Thursday, September 13, 2012

doomsday? really?

There was a truly horrific bandaid emergency again this morning.

I got the panicked phone call.  "Honey!  Can you have the Bandaids, wipes and Polysporin ready?!?!"

I waited patiently for the apocalyptic disaster to come through the door, however, there was no blood.  It was pretty uneventful, I must say.

I thought it would be awful, considering the anxiety I woke up with, as if perhaps, I was seeing the future, but nope.

Tell me, do you ever get this?

I woke up, and within seconds my stomach was in knots, I was physically shaking and all I wanted to do is peacefully perish in fetal position, cocooned in the warmth and protection of blankets.

I waited for the reason for the angst to came to mind, however, there's nothing to be afraid of today.  It's a lovely day.

Still, my mind decided to make it out to be a day to be in fear of.

... ah ptsd ... you really are a mother fucker ain't'cha? ...

I don't get it.  The sun is shining, I don't feel like my eating disordered thinking is dogging me, I'm not tormented by a horrible image in the mirror, the cats are all getting along and I have exciting up and coming dreams to think about with Papi.

There's nothing that I can put my finger on that would be worthy of that amount of stress to wake up to, but still, I wake up with agonizing doomsday feelings.


Maybe, it was leftovers from the weekend from hell I just had, where I had to read through 4 years of reports and make timelines, not to mention comb through my blog.

Honestly, reading through my blog was really, really good for me.

I saw the amazing growth I've had, and saw all the toxic words that people hate me for.

I understand why they would feel that way, coming from their side, but they have to be able to understand my side as well.

My side was not to be belittled and hated for.

My side is the same, distressed side, so many of the other half have felt.

I needed to learn, grow and let go of fear.

I did that.  I saw myself do it week after painful week, tear after agonizing tear.

I see so much more of the male my love feels is there.  I actually don't see my butch as much anymore.  My views have shifted and I have grown.

I have apologies for the harmful words that made people feel like they were 'ugly', or worse, for being an F-M.

Those were achingly hurtful for me to see.  I would never want people to feel bad from my overt pain, but I did.

I said bad things in my disturbed fear.  I don't see anybody as those horrid things that may have come across as an attack, when really, it was an offense against myself and lack of experience.

I see so many of my trans friends as gorgeous, strong, amazing humans.  These friends are absolutely more special than I could have ever imagined.

The friends I've made through this gargantuan journey definitely make up for the anguish I went through with those who don't understand me, and my peers who have felt how I felt, but were too uncomfortable to say it all along their own odyssey.

The haters?  Not so beautiful.  When you're ugly on the inside, well, it doesn't shine through on the outside.

I'm not ashamed of the immensely, heavy feelings I had.

I'm so damn proud to be where I am, and even more honoured of the people who stuck by me, even while I had so much to learn.

You gently and lovingly taught me well.  I adore you.

Ahhhhh ... I believe I feel a little less anxious now.  Could it be the coffee?

Nope.  It's the fact that I wrote it all out and got it all out of my head.

This blog truly saves me.

my life is filled with joy, love and friendship.  all i have to do is stop the criticism, forgive, relax and be open


your comments make this world feel smaller ... and you feel closer