We go to find our long-term home together.
We're bringing a lot of stuff with us on this trek, then leaving it in storage if we can't put it into the home we choose to spend a great portion of our life together in.
One of my sweet friends told me that her dad had a saying, "My dad calls it 'throwing your hat over' (as in, before you climb the fence to get to the other side you toss your hat over so you can't not do it or else you've lost your hat)."
Makes sense! If you're going to get cold feet, leave some stuff there so you must return to claim it! I loved that!
My point is, as I was prepping, the thought developed that we're actually going.
Is it real?
It's not a dream, but sometimes, it seems that way.
People don't just up and change their lives all that often.
For the longest time, I've felt we weren't really going until we had that plane ticket booked.
About 10 minutes after I had these manic thoughts, I flipped on to Facebook and damn if mi esposo hadn't just posted the same damn thing.
He wrote, "Is this actually happening? Or am I dreaming? Happy Dance again :-) T- 6 days :->"
The thought of my love doing The Happy Papi Dance filled me with so much joy.
We're still bickering about absolutely inane, idiotic instances.
I'm still being passive aggressive to get my point across in those ridiculous fucking snits we get into, but something changed when I saw that Facebook status.
All my fears went away the moment I envisioned him doing The Happy Papi Dance.
He heals me just by being his silly self, and he doesn't even do it intentionally.
That was the moment my apology to myself for acting like such a buffoon was accepted, and I pulled up my socks and got happy and excited.
This is the roller coaster.
I'm being told left, right and center that it's normal.
One friend explained, that as a child, her family was moving to another country and her parents were extremely stressed.
For a child to remember this, it must have made a big impact, which means this really is a big deal and it's normal for me to be such a fucking lunatic.
I just hate that it has brought out the worst in me. The worst that Papi has never experienced. He said, "You're acting really weird."
Yesterday, my behaviour had me thinking that maybe my doses of anti-depressants were off and I needed to go up a few milligrams.
The logical side of my brain presented itself, and I gave myself the option of going to paradise for two weeks and seeing how I felt and make a decision about dosage then.
Something tells me I won't be an orangutan once my skin breathes in the heat as I step off that plane.
Something tells me the moment my injured muscles allow the ocean to hold their struggling weight, my fears will be washed away with every wave, taken to the vast sea, where I won't have access to them anymore.
Something tells me that the joy of Papi and I starting our lives together by looking for homes will be the change I need to send Hurricane Andréa packing, not to return with our gargantuan, ugly suitcases.
Monday, this journey takes the next step.
This is not a test. This is the real thing.
i dissolve all obstacles to having complete self-confidence