Tuesday, September 18, 2012

terror > excitement

The fighting!  Good god people!  We have never bickered like this in our entire 4.5 years together.

Having heard from a few people confirming that a move to another country is extremely stressful, it seems that Papi and I are right on track with the in home clashing.

I didn't ever, even for a second, think I'd be feeling like this.

I thought it would be all puppies, rainbows and thrills of an amusement ride.

Nope.  If I'm going to be honest, which I usually am, I'm fucking terrified.

We are stepping so far out of our comfort zone that we don't even recognize each other anymore.

Last night, the panic attack I had over filling out forms was wildly unmanageable.  My disoriented brain couldn't even figure out how to start filling them in and I thought I didn't have the right ones.

That left me feeling like I had tried so hard to get the right forms, yet even with that, I failed.

As someone who tries so hard, but seems to blunder a lot since my accident, I feel like I can't to anything properly anymore.

I feel useless and that my best is no longer good enough.

I feel like there's nothing I can do correctly, because I get confused and disoriented, never mind the fact that I can't last as long as other people due to my never ending 'imaginary pain'.

I almost fell into the throws of an eating disorder, thinking of how I could lose a few pounds to feel better, as if somehow, fading away would make it all disappear like my shrinking muscles.

Well, the panic attack was so bad, I had to beg my love to come help me get past it, where lately, I've learned how to do it on my own.

He was a little perturbed about it, because there he was, working on MY forms, because I was too anxious about it, and then I'm asking him double time for help with my panic attack.

He feels everything is on him, because he has to help me, the g'ma, and deal with The Uncle adding more fuel to the fire by giving him more reasons to be afraid of what we're about to do, rather than just be thrilled.

He's really under so much pressure, and he said to me, "I'm about 5 cm away from losing it."

Oh, how I hear you my love.  I'm right there with you.

I need to find a way to be more supportive to my love, so that these rowdy moments of the same fucking argument stop their cycle.

I need to find a way to do more with this fucking bitch of a back, so that my love doesn't feel so much is on him, and him alone.

I need to, because our relationship has never been like this and it scares me.

It makes me fear that with all the stress between us, that a new dynamic will be set up and we'll lose the love.

I know that I'm just placing old, horrid relationships on ours.

Papi is nothing like those other assholes I dated.

He's just a sensitive soul who is reacting to the stresses of this move, and a little resentful that so much is on his back, and less is on mine.

Some people may be horribly envious of our move, and I'm sure the haters don't think we deserve this, but damn, if any of those people really knew how hard this is and how much stress is upon us, they wouldn't be so envious.

I've never had such a strange array of emotions all at the same time.

My stomach flutters with excitement, my head pounds with stress. my tears fall with frustration and my bitch of a back is on turbo seize, because I'm holding all of it in.

Papi didn't even know I'm afraid, because to him, I gave off an air of peace.

That's nice and all, that I give off an illusion of 'everything will be fine', because I've worked so hard all my life to believe that.

However, it's not good when someone thinks you're indifferent about the whole experience.

I do believe, even right now as I'm shaking, nauseas, irrational and in utter fear, that 'everything will be fine'.

We're moving to the Dominican Republic and I'm fucking terrified, and excited.

i deserve to succeed


  1. I can't remember if I got stressed about all the forms and stuff I went through so I could immigrate to Canada. It was a long time ago! I'm sure there was some stress, but I think there was mostly excitement.

    You'll get through the stress. Keep the excitement in your mind. Yes, there's shit to go through, but there's a prize at the end. Yes, it's complicated, but the two of you can do it. Keep breathing! <3

    1. the forms are for my disability actually, and not the move. we haven't even gotten on to those ones yet lol!

      oh ya. breathing.

      i forget about that one a lot.

      thank you love! xoxo

  2. I enjoy reading your blog. It lets me catch up with you even though we haven't seen each other in a really long time. Too long... sorry to hear that the accident has left you with so much residual emotional and physical pain. xo Lynn Phillips

    1. :) i'm grateful you're here lynn, even if it's just for a chat now and then. i miss you xo

  3. Any move is always stressful, and one halfway across the hemisphere is bound to be more so. Given what you two have been through together, it's a pretty safe bet that you'll make it through this.

    Just take a deep breath every now and then.

    1. :) you're the sweetest thing ever legs :)

      thank you for your confidence. things are truly better today than they were the last few days.

      it IS stressful. holy shit man!

      but house shopping on the internet is pretty exciting. i can smell the caribbean beach already. xoxo


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