Saturday, September 1, 2012

I want a fart machine.

Of course I'm going to offend someone with this post, but I have to be true to myself and say it, because dammit!  I haven't met my piss off quota lately.

I want someone to invent a fart machine.

Not to make the sounds, because we have whoopie cushions and armpits for that.

What I want, is a gizmo that I can press a button and out will come ass stench at will.

I'd use my very own Buffalo Breath if I could gauge when I get the rank, horrid, practically seen breath emerges.

Well, that's not entirely true.  I know I'll get it if I stress out enough, or most mornings.

Oh, another way, is I can get it from too much sugar in my diet (aka: Candida), or from the gads of raw garlic I like to put in foods (to fight the Candida).

Then again, I also get it from taking those hideous pain pills, but then I'd be stuck with that breath all day and what happens if I see someone I like!?!?!

I hate it when that happens!  They don't deserve to give me a hug and smell shit breath!

I'm very self conscious about it with people I like.

I know that really, my Buffalo Breath was a direct result from my eating disorder.  I damaged my stomach with laxatives when I didn't care about the consequences, and thought it was more important to find that 'thin' girl, that to this day, I would never see in the mirror.

Anyway, this really wasn't supposed to be about my Buffalo Breath, nor anorexia.

It's supposed to be about a fart machine.

I want a fart machine that I can turn on at any time, so that the next time I'm stuck near the scum of cigarette stink, I can turn it on.

I understand people have their addiction, but man!  Why am I subject to smelling your malodour?

I don't go around intentionally farting and waving my stinky armpit smells around you!!!

But hey, if I had a fart machine, then I could prove a point.

When they said, "Fuck man!  That thing stinks!  Turn that shit off!"

I'd be able to say, "I will when you butt that rank skank out.  If I have to smell your crud, then you have to smell this.  I'm addicted to making this smell.  I just can't help myself.  It's a sickness."


If there are any scientists out there who would like to indulge, I'm pretty sure it would 'smell' on the market.

... hehehe ... i know, that was really cheesy ...

I know I would buy one!

It would have to be small though.  Maybe a container like my mace that I carry around in my purse.


Is it illegal to mace people who occupy my air space with their wafting addiction?


Anyway, someone out there, please, make me a fart machine.

I'm sick of being passive aggressive and having to close my fucking house and car windows to escape it.

Fuck!  It sucks old man sweaty balls when I'm relaxing in a comfy, sunny spot, and along comes a smoker who sits right near me.

Then I have to move away for 7 minutes, while they enjoy my seat in their funk, as I wait impatiently for them to finish.

I can only resume my nice spot once they've complete pissing me off with their fetor.

That is of course, unless they're a chain smoker.  Then I'm subject to another bout of mephitis within moments of one of those bitches being put out.

For the love of god, make me a fart machine.

i behave in ways that promote my health more every day


  1. Reminds me of a Steve Martin joke from many moons ago. Guy says to Martin, "Mind of I smoke?" Martin says, "No. Mind if I FART?"

    Makes the point. :)

    1. looks like i'm on board with martin! great minds think alike :)

  2. As a non-smoker, I know this is really weird, but I love the smell of cigarette smoke. I wouldn't love it in my hair and on my clothes, but when I walk by a smoker, I can't help but enjoy that smell. Probably because my father was a smoker...I want a fart machine to block out the smell of my farts.

    1. that is VERY weird lol! i've hated smoke since i was a kid and they scared me into hating it.

      all those pics of rotting lungs and people with holes in their throats.

      then as i matured and found that it wreaks! i hate it.


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