Friday, December 3, 2010

1 year

I have one year until her body changes from that of my wife. We went in to see pictures of prior people who have gone in for this sort of surgery. Breast Re-assignment. This is what I have to look forward to seeing in a year.

She's already taking testosterone, so in a year she'll have 'man hair' (**shudders**) on her chest. What I saw of the people with hair on their breasts looked absolutely awful. Man hair on woman parts. This is what we get to look forward to because the waiting list is a year long because of the influx of people deciding they want to deface their bodies.

To me, my reality, is that it is an epidemic within the lesbian community. I do believe in gender dysphoria, but I also believe there are a lot of people who just don't know where they fit in in life, so they go with what their attracted to. Not enough lesbians are proud to be butch. They feel they have to go to the extreme. I really feel like it's a contagious mental disorder. (**enter the part where thousands of pissed off F-M people hate me for my feelings**)

I'm not attracted to transgendered people. This is the reason for my tears. What if I am no longer attracted to my love because she becomes the husband I never wanted? I married a beautiful butch. Not a man. What if I see her in the same light that I have seen the others? I just don't find it attractive. How do I change this? Do I fake it till I make it?

She (and I will continue to call her she until I have ease from my pain), cried today because she was going to have to look like what she called the 'tranny freaks' that she saw in the pre-op pictures. She finally had a glimpse at how I feel. It's disheartening. The morbid selfish bitch in me felt that at least during this agony she felt today, she got to see a glimpse of how I feel about the whole thing.

She feels that this will make her more susceptible to being gay bashed. Or rather tranny bashed. there are horrible people out there who really do see people who are transitioning as 'tranny freaks'. They scare me too. They around. They're subtle and not so subtle.

I would never think of a person as a 'tranny freak'. People who have done this to their bodies I don't see as freaks. I see this as pain. Kinda like when people resort to cutting. They feel pain emotionally and their only way to show it outside is by physically making marks.

I don't want my love to be in pain. So I accept her feeling that she needs to do this. I support her in that way. Her way out of pain is to find peace with the body she's never felt comfortable with. And if she had've done it before we met? I would not be here right now agonizing over it. I would have never started dating her to begin with. Because I'm not attracted to people who look male.

But she was a she. She is the most beautiful butch I know and I am proud to be lesbian and proud to be with her. In one year, she will have hair, no breasts and no uterus. At that point, I will no longer be the lesbian I am. At that point, I'll be viewed to the world as a straight person. A person in the closet. The closet that I fought so hard to get out of I'm being thrown back in.

In one year.

She doesn't understand my grief. My loss. I am grieving over the loss of the life I was so proud of. I'm grieving the loss of my butch. I'm grieving the way I will appear to the world. I'm grieving.

I feel like part of me is dying. Last night, I felt like I'd like to die along with that part. I felt quite suicidal (not a new thing for me unfortunately), but I remembered how selfish suicide is. Not only would I be gone from this world, but I would crush my love. THAT would kill HER. I could never do that to her.

So here I am. Suffering. And it's my choice. Because I choose to stay and go through this.


  1. OK, so I am not a lesbian, however, I can honestly understand how you are feeling. When we marry whomever we are going to marry, albeit, man or woman, we marry that person for who and what they are when we marry them.

    We do go through changes throughout the years but they are typically gradual changes and not big changes that you have to grow accustom to. So, I can understand your fear and your upset.

    Hell, gradual changes are sometimes hard to deal with...hence high divorce rates. Be strong and you'll get through.

    1. hi lovely reader! i neglected to acknowledge this comment back when you wrote it, but it looks like i took your advice.

      i was strong and i got through.


      thank you.


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