Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Woke up with the birds.

In a way ...

I woke from a strange dream where birds were trying to help me, but all they did was make things worse by tangling the straps of the bag that I was trying to put items into.  Then there was Lady Gaga in that same café dancing for money.  Don't know what that was all about.

I also woke up with rockstar hair.  Too bad I won't be leaving the house again to show it off.  Doesn't go well with my swollen eyes anyway.  I'll just parade my honky 'fro around my jail cell and tell myself it looks great.

It was a ferociously emotional day yesterday.  The vehemence launched because I made the mistake of peeking into Facebook.  My love had posted a plea for anyone who has been in my predicament to message privately.  Papi told me that one of my friends had contacted me and that I should take a chance that this could be another friend that may give me the help I obviously need.

This person has such a delicate, loving heart.  I appreciate that she recognized that even though she's in a relationship with someone who is transitioning, it's not her life partner in marriage.  It was considerate of her to verbalize this.  I really value her friendship acknowledgement and will do my best to connect at some point.  I just don't know if she can handle the depth of my pain right now.  I'm a bit of a loon.

Regardless, I wound up sobbing because I still felt so terribly alone.  I wouldn't choose to date someone who was transitioning.  It's just not what I'm attracted to, so I felt more isolated than ever while I'm helplessly in love with someone who is going through the male transition.

If Papi had have told me when we first started dating that there was a chance that this beautiful butch would become an F-M, I would've said, "Well, we can still be friends," like I've done a few times before.  I would have shut down the flirting and I wouldn't be married to my love right now.

I couldn't write a Facebook reply to this sweet soul.  I was in too much agony from the tears that surged forth.  I couldn't breathe.  Papi had to help me out of the crying pool that I was drowning in.

So the best thing for me to do at that point was eat.  Yup.  Emotional eating.  But I didn't choose healing living food.  Oh no, no, no!  I had to eat my allergy food.  My sinuses are already congested from crying and now I have to deal with a deadbolt in my air way, along with the stabbing ice pick to my brain from my allergy to dairy.  I really know how to make myself feel worse.  Geeeeez.

At the end of my day, I received probably the most compassionate private email from another amazing soul that I have ever redeemed.  Someone who has joined 'you', my imaginary friend, in reading my blog.  I didn't know someone else I knew in 'real life' was reading this.  Well, other than my cherished aunt.  (love you ... thank you for not committing me yet)

The fact that she was perusing my pain wasn't what was encouraging.  It was that 'someone' out there gets it.  Well, actually, not just 'anyone'.  It's a person whom I adore for her strength.

I can't go on to Facebook for a moment without staggering into despair and this person takes herself off Facebook for similar reasons.  But not only that, she's also felt the pressure to support someone in their transition even though it was difficult.  On top of dealing with trying to be there for someone, she had one more wound to add to the pile; it was during the passing of her dear mother.

Double grief.  This is another soul who is living through the science experiment of life.  Her days haven't always gone her way, but she walks on with graceful deliberation and this divine person is someone that I've regarded as nothing less than an angel since the day I've met her.

I may have found my person.  I may have found the one who's felt this heart wrenching grief of losing the one you love to a stranger.  It may be possible.  We will see.  But regardless of whether we're cut from the same cloth, I know that someone loves me enough to extend a hand while she's in her own isolation.  It meant more to me than she will ever know.  Part of my tears were from the joy of having one more person I can trust.

I'm gathering hearts one by one to build my fortress of strength.  These mighty people have shone their light so that I am able see each step I take a little more brightly.

Thank you.

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