Well ...

I didn't quite make it to day 3 of no tears, but boy those 2 days were sure nice. Yesterday wasn't all bad, it was just that I had to remind my love a few times that I didn't want to talk about 'it' and when we went out for lunch, we processed a bit of what I wrote to 'you' about yesterday. But the part that was hardest yesterday was the 't' topic.

'It'. 't'.

Honestly, I feel the testosterone is the part that is killing me the most. I had to deal with 'it' silently yesterday. My love was moving things around in our sewage flood graveyard to let us have some space in our teeny wooden skeleton of a home. We have been living in an attic and a den for a month now, and there's this big beautiful open space with light from the outside world and breathing room that nobody has touched because the contractors are so focused on the basement. So, thanks to Papi we're moved in to the front room for a break from the dark claustrophobia.

While Papi was moving things around, there was sweat coming off my love. And when Papi would walk past me, I could smell that odor. 'man stink'.

It's hard for me to bear that my love's smell has changed. The worst part is when we physically show our beautiful love for each other, in that moment of divine intimacy, that's when 'it' will cause the most agony. Anxiety. Pain. Love making isn't supposed to be like that.

With a big open heart, my love asked, "How are we going to do this if you're uncomfortable with sex?"

I didn't want to speak. I didn't want to wake up today with those swollen, puffy, spiritless eyes. So, I simply said, "I just don't want to cry right now." That was the end of the communication.

Don't speak.

I know I'll be crying today. I know that I'll wake up with those eyes tomorrow. I have a therapy session today and it will be all tears. Exhausting tears. I'll need to process the question Papi asked me in that therapy session so that I can continue the communication with my love tonight.

Then after that, I will already be burnt out from crying and off we'll go to see some friends tonight to 'talk' some more.

Speaking is the problem. I speak, the poison flows through my words, veins, eyes, stomache, right down to my toes. It's so painful for me. Everyone talks about tears being cleansing and good for you to 'get it out'. But for me, it hurts. I cry from every muscle and cell in my body, then my mind spirals into the dead zone where my demons flirt with me in a seductive move to sway me into thinking that I could go to that breathless place forever and never have to cry again.

Today I speak to a therapist, friends and of course, my love. Yesterday's tears were nothing compared to what I'm going to go through today. It's going to be a rough day of communication. I really don't look forward to it.

I dread tomorrow morning.