Thursday, December 30, 2010


I'm immobilized.  I really just sit in my padded Lay-Z Boy cell all day and look around at all the opportunities to 'do something'.  Anything.  But I don't.  I'm perched on the edge of lunacy.  I do the least amount that I can do to take care of myself.

While I'm off work from my back re-injury I could be doing so many things that I don't have 'time' for when I'm working a 40 hour week.  But I hunker down and allow the feelings of anxiety about my love's decision for male transformation sabotage my personality.

My love says I'm one step away from being institutionalized.  I'm hanging on to that brink as best I can.  Papi says at some point I have to get back to my life and leave the house, see people, be 'me'.  Papi has no idea how hard it is just to manage my little world I've created for myself.

The depth of my grief is so abysmal.  It's bizarre to be grieving over someone who I can still touch, kiss and speak to.

Papi came home from a doctor's appointment upset that the process isn't moving as quickly as it could.  Letters from the professionals who hold my love's future in their pen and paper haven't been forwarded to anybody, meaning I get a little more borrowed time.

It upsets my love, but to me it's a loan of conquest.  This loan agreement has steep interest.  I'm delaying the inevitable by feeling I have more time.  What's better?  To just jump right in and 'deal' or take the time to accept the process will be happening.

I really don't know.

All I do know is I can't willingly seek out the support I need.  I let people come to me to see 'how I'm holding up', and in this busy world, it doesn't happen often enough for my desolate brain to spit it out the venom.

Yesterday's therapy appointment was so difficult to get through.  Speaking about my love leaving me had me stuttering my words and all I could think about was that I would be leaving the office in tears.  I can't stand people to see me so messed up.  I still have that part of my ego to entertain.

The psychologists office is on the 13th floor.  Fitting isn't it?  When I'm done with my appointment, I take my fragile injured body to the stairwell.  Each step I take down those 13 deserted flights is done with stabbing torment.  But somehow that physical pain is better than taking the elevator with people looking at me with pity.

This medical building is full of so many types of specialists, that people who witness my tears probably think I've just been told I'm dying.  I'd rather be having tears from that scenario.  People who see me distraught can come up with any story they want, but none of them could actually conclude what my tears are for.

More retreating.

I am frozen.  I am isolated by my own wretched agony.  I'm still searching for that path that someone else has already cut for me, so that I don't have to fight my way through the backwoods.

I haven't found my 'person'.  The one to tell me that they've been where am I right now and it's going to be ok.  I need that regenerated heart to shine their light on me now that they've come out the other end of the tunnel.

It's so cold here in my self proclaimed lock up.  The chill is petrifying.

I'm waiting for the thaw.


  1. Oh honey I feel for you so much. I can't offer any words of wisdom as I have not been in the same situation. However, I have lost people I love in many different ways. Losing someone you love whether that be by death, divorce, them leaving etc is not something that you can brush off, or smile and get on with life. You need to go through the 5 stages of grief.

    An excerpt from the above website:

    Get help. You will survive. You will heal, even if you cannot believe that now, just know that it is true. To feel pain after loss is normal. It proves that we are alive, human. But we can't stop living. We have to become stronger, while not shutting off our feelings for the hope of one day being healed and finding love and/or happiness again. Helping others through something we have experienced is a wonderful way to fascilitate our healing and bring good out of something tragic.

    5 stages of grief:
    1-Denial-"this can't be happening to me", looking for the former spouse in familia places, or if it is death, setting the table for the person or acting as if they are still in living there. No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.

    2-Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with spouse of divorce, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming them for leaving.

    3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.

    4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal.

    5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage. Realization that the person is gone (in death) that it is not their fault, they didn't leave you on purpose. (even in cases of suicide, often the deceased person, was not in their right frame of mind) Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person.

    I hope you get through this and see the dawn after the darkness!

  2. thank you for your sweet words ... i feel like i bounce between all of the above, except to accept. i'm working hard at getting through and that's why the blog is here ... thank you


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