Watching

Sometimes, I feel like I'm in the sidelines just watching her transformation. It's difficult, because I'm her best friend. Yet right now, whenever she starts to talk about her changes, or what she's gone through for the day, I cringe and can't speak. I just watch.

The other day I tried my best to see her as a 'he'. It killed me. I saw the potential. I saw it becoming real. I was just about in tears. It's a reality, not just seeing her change, but anticipating it. This kills me.

I married a woman. A beautiful perfect woman. A woman who isn't comfortable being this person to the point where she's going to put drugs into her system by way of a needle, who is going to massacre her body ... her beautiful body ... who is going to appear to the world as a man. But I will always see her as the beautiful woman I married.

There are some good things that are coming out of this. They recommend she gets off all her medication she's currently on. This makes me happy as the meds she's on I think are the devil. She will become healthier for it.

She will have more energy from the testosterone. This is good because she usually sleeps about 12 - 14 hours a night, which is half her life.

She has been instructed to get more exercise. Even though this hasn't started yet, it's part of the regimen she needs to be on. So I foresee a healthier spouse.

But I also see that the testosterone she's going to be putting into her body will make her more susceptible to the problems men will have ... stroke, heart attack, all the goodies that they would have, she's going to be prone to having if she doesn't stay on the proposed journey she's been told to stay on.

Every day she tries to convince me that she's not leaving. But I can't get it through to her that 'she' is. 'She' is leaving me and replacing herself with a being that I didn't ask for.

It's quite possible she'll look like an alien. I'm sorry to those out there who could be offended, but some people who transform don't look right. They look very strange to me. Which is why I've never been attracted to F-M people. Then there's the squeeky voice that happens. The one that makes these people sound like they've sucked back a ton of helium.

Go ahead and hate me for saying this, but I hate the notion that it's possible my beautiful perfect wife will look and sound like an alien.

This is one of the reasons I can't talk about this with people. People talk. They tell each other how someone said 'she said they look like aliens'. I can't talk because I will be hated.

All the while I'm watching my love turn into one of them.

Just sitting and watching. That's what is killing me. I don't have any say in the matter. She needs to be happy. I need her to be happy. I love her ... and if I love her, I have to allow her to do what she needs to do to be happy.

So, I watch.

And cry ...