Friday, December 10, 2010


I did it again. I spoke out loud and the tears surged forth like the downpour of the sewage flood we're recovering from. I suppose it is good to talk about it. She did have some good words to say.

Really, her conclusion is I'm in fear of the unknown. True. I'm terrified that I'm going to be married to someone who looks odd. There is no telling what my love will look like after the male transformation has taken place. It's so slow that it's hard to even say WHEN that new 'male' person will arrive in place of my beautiful wife.

Rachel said, "You never know. Easton may just be the hottest F-M you've ever seen."

While this is a possibility, it's my fear that keeps me thinking of people I've seen that look so unattractive (to me) and have the 'sucking on helium' voice. I'm not attracted to F-M people, just like I'm not attracted to bio-males. I'm a lesbian and hot, butch women are what I desire. This is who I am.

Yes. I'm vain. Yes. I'm looking at the future exterior of my love. But tell me, when you look for the love of your life, are you only looking for the mind of the person? Or are you looking for that hot sexy babe that you can't keep your hands off? Aren't you looking for the one who's chemistry mixes with yours to create the most amazingly tasty beverage of steamy lust? Seriously. We all do it. We look for the person who's outside and inside combine to make your 'perfect' person.

I found my perfect person, and I married her. And now my perfect person is leaving me, to be replaced with the unknown. We've only been married 5 months. We've been together for almost 3 years however. While I've always thought of marriage as just a 'piece of paper' that really makes no difference to love, I suppose my mind has been changed after actually having experienced the marital bond.

It is definitely different being married. It is a secure feeling. Comfort. Assurance. Confidence. Trust. I can see how people become complacent in their marriages because of this security, but in my vows I promised to love as much in marriage as I did up to the day we were connected by the 'piece of paper' I so flippantly spoke about. I've only had 4 months to prove this love to my sweety, and the 5th month has been nothing but me crying in fear of the unknown F-M that will be squatting in our marriage.

But Rachel is correct in saying that I don't know. I don't know the outcome, because the future is never revealed to us. Hell, I could die before the transition even happens and would have wasted my time crying that my wife is leaving and I would die having depleted the joy of our union in doing so.

Papi was just here a moment ago drying my tears, trying to convince me that mi esposo is not leaving. Giving me the comfort of a beautiful bosom to rest my quivering lips, squinting eyes and wrinkle etching forehead in until the flow of distress had stopped. Then kissed me with those abundantly silky lips and said, "I'm not going anywhere." I'll miss those pillowy, protective, gorgeous breasts, but I get those bewitching lips for as long as I want.

I'm married to the perfect person. My only hope is that I do love for better or for worse. I've had the better for almost 3 years now. The better person who stuck with me through a brain injury while I was ensnared in a wheelchair because my brain couldn't tell me how to walk. This person took me to Cuba in my steel, wheelable legs, while I still felt I was 'walking in a canoe on water', and while we were there, this perfect person held me up so I could walk through the teetering sand to a quiet place that was all our own and proposed to me.

Like a villian, here I sit, crying over the perfect person who may turn into someone I'm not attracted to. I feel like the most selfish person the world has ever been offered. I feel like the most shallow person I've ever had the displeasure of meeting. Who is this hideous person? Not a perfect person, that's for sure.

I'm glad I spoke out loud. It's one word closer to getting the 'stink' out of my head through my mouth so it may leave my soul. But I'll tell you, it was a chance to take. I could have been judged poorly like my ego judges me now. I wasn't. Rachel just said a few words that helped me think more kindly about my possible future.

I've always been told I'm too hard on myself. It's possible they're right. Possible.

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