Thursday, December 16, 2010

Day off.

Well, more like an 'off day' in terms of feelings. I had one of those days where you can't even spit out the poison that's making you sick.

My mission was just to find some power in myself. Being the magical person I seem to be, when I ask for something, strange things happen. It's not always what I want or have asked to happen, just that 'things' happen. A simple road trip to a warehouse to get our stored clothing proved this certainty yet again.

Because of the sewage flood situation, we don't have enough clothing to choose from as they took every belonging away from us to be tested for contamination, then cleaned or written off. So, my love and I have been living with a tiny wardrobe consisting of one outfit change to choose from.

We went to the warehouse where they do all the testing and cleaning, and we walked up the front stairs to reception. On the door was a poster that read, "You have the power." The picture was of a child in a superhero costume flexing his muscles with all his might. I laughed so hard! Here was the child that I'm trying to toughen up showing me their power!

It gave me a moment of strength seeing that child. I felt that I was able to take some of this child's force just from seeing this enchanting picture. It was absolutely what I needed.

From there the day was wonderful. We went and picked through clothing and had shrieks of joy in finding the gems that pleased us. Underwear, socks, sweat pants so we could finally get to the gym, jeans ... it was like going on a shopping spree. I've never been so happy to see my favourite pair of panties!

We had a beautiful day together enjoying each other's company including a moment to physically share our love. But that's when our beautiful day crumbled. Things have changed in our marriage as my love no longer smells like the person I married.

Taking testosterone is putting a chemical into your body to make you more of a man. My love now has a 'man smell'. It's not that I'm cringing with disgust over Papi, it's just that mi esposo no longer smells like the person I married. It was like having a stranger in my intimate moment. It brought back memories that I can't share here right now. Memories that made me feel stressed in our moment of intimacy.

I was quite silent after that. Until my love wanted to talk. That's when all hell broke loose. My emotions got the better of me and I had to tell Papi. I had to let it out that my love no longer smells like the person I married.

I want my love to be happy. I don't want to hurt Papi in any way. But the next day, the 'off day', I had a melt down like none I've had since hearing the words that confirmed Papi wants to go through the male transformation. My feelings of wanting to disappear became stronger. Really, I just want the pain to end and I don't know how to accomplish this. The only way I can think of is to disappear from this planet.

I had written to 'you', my imaginary friend, in regards to this topic. I had told 'you' that if I had thoughts of suicide that I would go for help. I failed to keep that promise in my therapy session yesterday. The feelings felt so strong that I feared that to speak them out loud may result in me being thrown into a psyche ward. However, I did share them with my love because this is the person I trust more than anyone in this world.

This terrified Papi. The tears started to stream down my beautiful love's face. I hurt Papi. This was never ever my intention. I would never want to do anything that would hurt mi esposo. But, I did.

Papi meekly asked me if I was conjuring plans and I admitted I was. So, while I was out with one of the friends that I took the chance to expose my hell to, mi esposo removed all the potentially harmful pills from the house with love. It is indeed an act of love to do your best to keep your soul mate from potentially harming themselves.

At the end of the 'off day', I broke down and told mi esposo how our love making affected me. Again ... tears streaming down my love's face. I have hurt my love so bad just by telling the truth. I wonder sometimes if speaking the truth really is the best thing? Could I just keep those two monumental issues of my dark journey to myself? Could I just find a way to deal with them on my own just to save the feelings of my love?


I have to tell someone, and the person I trust with my state of mind is Papi. I have to tell my love how I'm feeling. I have to be honest. Whether it destroys our bond or not. I suppose the pain that I'm suffering through has to be shared with the person who is changing my life, marriage and their own self.

I suppose I had to share this with my soul mate. It was a brutal day off from speaking to 'you' my imaginary friend. Thank you for listening. You do have a good ear.


  1. oh Andrea, so much running through my head right now. first and foremost, through the obvious pain of what's happening right now for you, you are a BRILLIANT writer!
    i wonder, if i was in vancouver, would we be in touch like we are now? not that we talk/type often, but nonetheless, we do. or at least, we did. i hope you're ok. as ok as you can be. i wish i knew your phone number, so i could text you madly and tell you all sorts of silly things about my day to day life. i wish that you had my number, so you could text me when you felt like it. when you just needed to hear a positive, loving voice. i know that really, in the grand scheme of things, we barely know each other. but i feel such an affinity towards you, us, as friends. and if i could shoulder this pain for you, or somehow convince you that it will all "get better" (oh how Dan Savage has permeated the mainstream) i surely would. know that i think of you, often. know that i wish there were some set of perfect words i could tell you. know that i love you. and, regardless of the outcome, you will get through this.

  2. my dear ... thank you for your love ... i most definitely would love for that tea date. i'm going to start a new fb page for people i can trust with my feelings right now. when i make it i will add you ... we will have a hang out ... love you ... xo

  3. A
    your trust in me makes me so proud of myself, in a not vain kinda' way!
    kisses and so many misses

    1. and more and more misses you to go along with the virtual kisses

    2. you've come a long way baby!!!!


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