Saturday, February 19, 2011

The crest of the wave is coming ...

I'm realizing where I can feel safe is amongst strangers.

These outsiders don't know what the hell is going on with me.  These unknown people are not going to ask, "How are you?" or become one of the brutes who may think my love is a freak and I'm an aberration for loving a transitioning transgendered person.

New-comers will talk about things that are funny to entertain each other, or light conversation to keep the flow of company going, sans white noise.

I went out for dinner last night with a person on my Trust List, and a bunch of her friends.

I got myself all worked up about going.  Stomach turning, hands shaking, legs weak, the conversation in my head of why I shouldn't go ...

When I got there I noticed there were 3 foreigners with that dear heart I love so much.

(and two more that i've met a few times, but they never speak to me anyway, wtf is that about?!? what ... ever ...)

I sat myself down and started chatting up a storm.

I was fine!

I was having fun! 

I had no fear because they didn't know my secret, giving them no reason to be mean or start a serious conversation that might make me get sad, angry or scared.

I just enjoyed myself.

I was a little more reserved than I usually am in groups.  Being an extrovert, I would normally need the attention on 'me'.  That entertainer will rise up wearing the boa, arms raised in a 'V', eyes to the sun, inviting that luscious light to shine on me, and those lucky enough to be around it.

it's all about 'me'

Last night, it was just a great time of banter, about 'us all', minus the 'secret'.  I got to call my love my 'wife', 'she', and other things to be sure the ladies there all knew I too was a lesbian.  I needed to keep my identity strong in the face of similitude.

I needed to prove I was no different.

I didn't get to see Papi yesterday, and that's probably part of the reason I found the strength to go.  I hadn't dealt with 'it' and wasn't a maelstrom of emotions.

My dear soul mate is again working too hard.  Not sure when my love will realize there's a reason for the non-stop sickness; overworking.

(note to Papi if you're reading this, "you're not 20 anymore my dear!!!")

Anyway, I didn't have to download and talk about 'it'.  'It' is still deferred to another day.


I have to come to terms with the fact that the surgeon recommended Papi go up in the hormone dose to help stop Papi's menses.

My stomach just sunk thinking about it.

More hormones means that my love will be stepping further into the 'man zone'.  There will be more changes.  More to deal with.  More to work on.

More to accept.

I was just getting used to this point in time.

I don't know how this will play out for my injured, limping ego, but currently I'm back to shaking, feeling nauseas, and fear is ripping through my blood.

oh, i see you, my demons, i see you ... you don't need to pull so hard at my wrist

I don't want this, but it's going to happen.  I had a nice month and a half of coasting on no more changes.  I suppose that was a small gift of a brain break.

It's time to deal again.



  1. Thanks for your comment on my blog. I think i first came across your blog on Wednesday or Thursday last week and i sat here for ever reading your blog :) I had nearlly read all you posts but intended to come back and read the rest today and then noticed u had left me a comment. I enjoy reading your blog, im really interested in your story and hope things get easier for you. Look forward to seing where life takes you and your Papi. Good luck!

  2. you're very sweet shareen ... thank you for your words ... and your support xo

  3. For the short time I have known you on here I knew you were much stronger than you thought you were! I am glad you went out and had fun. My theory is that people are scared of the unknown... I on the other hand embrace the unknown!
    Keep your head up and look the unknown in the eyes. You and Papi will have a great life together :)

  4. You need a break, hun. I am sure this is harder than I can fathom, and hurts in places I have never felt yet. However, I feel like you are dealing with all of this AMAZINGLY well. You may not feel strong, or stable, or "okay" sometimes, but you are slogging through this difficult time with determination and love for your Papi.

  5. I am so glad to read that you went out and had a great time!! It's important that you do something fun!


your comments make this world feel smaller ... and you feel closer