Utter fear

I'm feeling it big time today; the anxiety of being in a room of people who are not on my 'Trust List'.

I am going to a 'Trust List' friend's 40th birthday party tonight.  This group will be like training wheels, as none of them are in the community of the people I fear could do damage to my weak heart.  There won't be any 'Rah-Rah Tranny!' people there, but there will be people who don't know my secret.

Papi won't be going.  My love has a fever and needs to rest up.  Two of my very closest friends on the 'Trust List' will be there as a safety net along with the birthday girl herself.  This is the only reason I feel I can go, really.

What lingers as my biggest foreboding of possible devastation is next week.

I awoke this morning to read a middle of the night, graveyard shift, love text from mi esposo.  My love also sent one stating that Papi wants to go to another birthday next weekend.

'They' will be there.

The predators.

Those who could peck me, and have the rest of the community agreeing that I'm a horrible person for not accepting my love's male transformation.

Will they point and laugh at my dismay?  Is it a revisiting of the 20 or so people who packed my belongings and changed the locks on my abode?  They left my whole world in the hallway of my condo as they leaned on the balcony rail snickering, maintaining obscene stares of 'you lose'.

Start over my dear.  Just like you have oh so many times in this life.

Next weekend's soiree is with people who accepted me back, even though I left them for 6 years, when I was in that relationship with the bully who told me these people were freaks.

I was manipulated to believe I was never going to be accepted by the person I cherished if I stayed with my community of kinksters and leather lovers.

I left.

They took me back when the ending of this relationship with the beast was authenticated by way of me becoming homeless after returning 'home' from a 16 hour work shift.

They accepted me back.

They may not anymore.

It petrifies me.

I have transphobia when it comes too close to me.  I said I would never date a person who would go through the male transformation.  I love their hearts, but I don't want them in my bed.

Yet here I am,  married to that 'never', and this community is full of F-M people and the people who will strike out at anyone who would think adversely about these souls.

I'm paralyzed.

One person I emailed for support will be at this gala next weekend.  She outright never even emailed me back.  This person is one of the main ringleaders at getting people together in this community.

Will she turn her nose up at me?  Do I ignore her?  Do I pretend the email never happened?

This person once told me she was happy that I was back in the whips 'n chains community, and that she hopes I will stay this time.  I took that as a confirmation of love, but I realize now those words were just as much surface talk as the Facebook page I was abandoned on.

I was duped.

I'm sorry my love.  You may have to do this one without me.