Sometimes, it's hard to measure the success of this journey.
Success: I kept my breakfast down, and made it to and from the appointment with Dr. Scissorhands without glaring at him and crying afterward.
There were some moments where I felt I could have cried, but I didn't. I just kept saying, "I can't talk right now."
I know I promised my love that wouldn't happen anymore, but damn, there are some times that are really hard.
Yesterday was a wash of emotions that had me interlaced with demons.
It wasn't only hard at the doctor appointment. As a matter of fact, he was a really good guy. He made me giggle a few times. He won my heart and I trust him to take care of Papi, even if I am devasted.
Part of the problem yesterday, was that we were in 'bumfuck nowhere'; Abbotsford, home of the bible thumpers, pedophiles and people who marry their cousins.
They would stare at Papi like I was in company with that alien I speak about. I would wait for them to finally see me giving the death stare ...
(mama bear is gonna fuck you up if you say ANYTHING!! THIS i promise you fuckface)
... and they would drop their eyes from my love in a moment of, "Damn I've been caught!"
While out for lunch, I tried to find 'food' that would be good for my allergies. It's hard enough in Vancouver to find this at food courts, but in Abbotsford they even make healthy choices bad for you.
Deep fried, battered everything.
I ate it only because I was feeling so triggered by the people in this town, that I needed to stuff my throat full of food like a tub plug, to keep the fear down in my belly.
I started envisioning every man there in a mug shot after having raped a child or woman. I was so fucked up by the time we left the mall that I was having panic attacks from fear of people.
We also had one of my love's very best friends with us. It was two for one day at the hysterectomy office.
Just kidding, but it's a little odd to be sitting with two people who want a hysterectomy for different reasons. I felt very possessive of my uterus during this time.
what are YOU looking at?!?! i'll be keeping mine, thank you very much! back off bitches!
It was really difficult to listen to two people talk about the operation like it was having a wart removed. I was quite silent for the entire trip.
When I got home, I was fully exhausted from emotions and bad 'food'. I had a headache from hell. I jumped on the 'coffee shop' to have giggles of distraction from the terror I'd endured, and what happens?
I get into my first heated debate on the 'coffee shop' about the very people I was provoked by all day long.
My heart was breaking that this one person sounded like he was sticking up for the crud of the world who I think of as less than flea excrement on my dog's back.
My poor injured brain couldn't handle it. I had to calm myself and really look at what the guy was saying.
focus ... focus ...
He was saying I lived in a fantasy ...
(fair enough ... i like my bubble)
... if I thought that the world would start to use these creeps for medical testing instead of animals. I finally got that he wasn't PRO pedophile/rapist, nor was he fighting for their rights.
I'll tell you, it was very hard to get to sleep last night with visions of detached uteri and predators dancing through my head.
I did not like yesterday at all.
Now it's today, and I've promised to speak to Papi about the conversations I deferred.
NOW I feel like crying.