It hurts Papi that I'm scared.
I don't ever want to be the one to hurt my love.
I suppose it's only balanced that if I'm hurting, then my love gets a dose of the poison as well. We do share the same thoughts, after all.
My love just wants me to explore, and feels crushed that I won't go anywhere near the growing 5 foot vagina.
I know logically it's not going to be like that, but my brain is a funny thing ... even without a brain injury, I have always jumped to worst case scenario.
If you know me personally, I'll do my best to have you believe that most of my reasonings are positive thoughts. It's a defense mechanism to battle my pessimism.
When I first got clean and sober, I wrote positive affirmations in a little red book all day long. When a bad thought would come in, I'd write it out as a positive.
Eventually, the words that left my mouth would come out like that too. I trained myself to switch the negative to the positive.
It worked for many parts of my life, and soon I realized that I don't need to be afraid of the emptiness of the future, because everything works out.
i hate the unknown .. i like order ... i want control dammit!!!!
If I look at every horrible, difficult, heart wrenching time in my life, I can see that they indeed have all worked out.
I do get my fair share of disaster around the twists and turns in this existence. I get a little more doom than the average person, so I've had lots of practise.
I guess all the adversity is to prove to that scared little girl inside that she doesn't need to worry about what's in store for her, because it will all work out.
ok little one ... stop fretting about the fact that the universe never ends and go to sleep ...
It always does. One way or another.
However, it's the 'other' that haunts me now.
I can make positive affirmations all I want, but the terror that my 'wife' is leaving me, replacing that wonderful person with a stranger to my eyes, is much too real.
I just keep staring into the smokey blue peepers of mi esposo and the positive comes back.
Those gorgeous windows to my love's true nature are the positive prove that everything is going to be ok.
"Can I just explore without any sex attached to the experience?"
Papi looked surprised, "Yes! I didn't mean for us to have sex! I just want you to see how it looks before it gets any different. It will be too much for you then if you wait too long. You need to watch the changes."
"But I can only deal with one thing at a time. I can't take all of it at the same time."
My love understands, yet Papi's tears were being held down in agony, with the realization that the woman mi esposo loves is afraid of one aspect of the body that used to be cherished from head to toe.
I have to go on an expedition.
It's time to rediscover the embodiment that surrounds that beautiful spirit I love so much.
Time to take a step on that path.
Balance, don't fail me now.