Friday, May 25, 2012

Well, THAT was an interesting 24 hours

I understand more today.

I had a really emotional day yesterday, with getting my psych evaluation for the insurance company.


After flying 15 feet through the air and landing on my head from being hit on my motorcycle, they honestly believe I'm imagining all the pain I feel in my back.

Yeah, people tumble over the hood of a car that hit them when they were going 50 km all the time and never feel pain.

... end sarcasm here ...

Anyway, I found out more about myself.

I am indeed that strong person people have tried to convince me I am.

I have overcome so much in my life, and the motorcycle accident is only a small part of the 'so much' I've overcome since being a child.

I also learned that I have to be even more careful about humans.

Only a half hour after the long day of reciting my life's events that caused me trauma, my mother called.

She proceeded to tell me that a certain person I opened up to, went running back to her to tell her how upset I was about the Easter dinner I was excluded from.

She told my mother every mean thing I said in hurt.

I said some mean things, because sometimes, it feels better to get angry than to cry non-fucking-stop.

I have an apology to make to my mother.  My intention was never to hurt her, but I was hurt so bad, I lashed out here on my blog.

This person not only repeated the things in my blog, but she also prodded more information out of me in a private email so she could gather more information from me to share with my mother.

I've taken this person off my Facebook 'friends' list.

I'm learning that it's not always good to give everybody the benefit of the doubt.

It's sad, but I'm learning to be more guarded.  One more person to add to the 'don't trust' list.

... by the way, if 'you' are reading this, i don't care for any contact from you, thank you very much ...

She is included amongst the deluge of people who cannot be trusted in this world.

My trust is broken so often, yet it's also built by good choices in good people as well.

Today, I awoke to a beautiful email, where I was asked to be someone's person.

I'm privileged, honoured, and my heart is filled with beauty, knowing that this person I love so much, and has helped me more than she could ever know, would trust me to be her person.

Then, as writing this, I realized that Papi comes home at 1 a.m. today!!!

God, this has been the longest fucking week in history and it's not over yet.

I have to go through the stress of meeting a whole bunch of new people today.

I am so nervous around new people that my stomach turns.  When I get nervous, I say stupid things.

I'm not looking forward to saying stupid things.

However, I am going to be looked up to for musical advise.

I'm being a coach for Ladies Rock Camp.  All weekend I'll be hanging out with women who want to create and play a song, and some of them have never played an instrument before!

I'm so impressed with their desire to play music.

Still, I'm nervous about being 'liked'.

My whole life, I've been nervous about being 'liked'.

I'm learning that this has to stop as well.

I'm learning that not everyone is going to like me, just like I don't have to like everyone else.

Especially those who hurt me intentionally.

we can learn great things from our mistakes, when we're not too busy denying them


  1. I hope we Do learn from our mistakes.

    That would make me damn near a genius by now, because I mess up constantly.

    It sounds like you're managing with a good deal of grace through very difficult times.

    I always love your updates!

    1. i hope i can learn from this. i've been so hurt in the past with everything that has to do with mr. homophobia and how it affects my mom's choices.

      i need to start telling her how it makes me feel, instead of going away with my head hung low, feeling unloved, and then lashing out.

      she'll just have to accept that i'm going to be honest from now on. we'll see if she can take it.


  2. I don't think you have anything to feel bad about, you voiced your feelings to some one who lets face it is a mean girl (that's me being polite) if you thought for a minute she would go running to your mum you would have chosen your words carefully or not spoken at all in front of her, but you are right about letting your mum know how she makes you feel, if she does not know she's hurting you how can she change her ways.
    It does amaze me how these mean girls think they will never pay for their crimes its like they don't know
    Glad to hear Papi is back today :)

    1. yeah ... i chose the wrong person to open up to. again. found another one last month as well.

      i guess i'm learning that i can't trust people who say they can be trusted.

      and yes. karma. it is a bitch.


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