Papi asked me for a favour, "Can you bring these across the street to the mail box? Will your back let you do that today?"
"Yes!" I said with utter happiness.
There's nothing I'd like more than to be able to cross the street without my bitch of a back squawking every step I take, but to be in the sun pleases me, regardless.
Off I went, hobbling down front yard stairs, trying to ignore the manly men/construction workers next door, who are on a mission to build Club Med out of an inner city yard.
As I started along the sidewalk, I felt something from one of the beautiful acorn trees that line our streets fall into my hair.
Things get stuck in my mop that you can't get out.
I figured I'd try anyway.
I ruffled my hair hoping that the leaf, stick, acorn or whatever was in there would easily fall out.
I fluffed my hair up a little more, my head leaning forward with high hopes.
I couldn't even feel what fell in there, until I was just ready to cross the street to the mailbox.
I chose to wait to stop traffic, now that I found the dastardly item in my hair.
I can feel it!
But wait a minute!
IT'S MOTHER FUCKING MOVING!!!!!!!!
Goddamit, I can't believe I didn't vomit while I watched the beetle fall out into the grass.
We're not talking a little fucker.
We're talking some big, two body length beetle that had impeccable aim when it jumped from the tree for a free ride.
Worst part about the whole damn episode, was that all the manly men were laughing as I flailed, shrieking.
I'm sure with those bald heads, you've never had to deal with this.
For fucks sakes, I've had a bee stuck in there before. It was close enough to my ear that I could hear it panicking to get out of the tangled mess it was in.
It wasn't panicking nearly as much as I was, let me tell you.
I've had birds try to arrange my hair for a nest.
I've had goats and sheep try to come in for a snack.
I've washed my hair and found little pebbles and sticks that fall out.
And now, a beetle.
Once, I had a beetle crawl into my bikini top as I was sunbathing.
Fortunately for me, nobody could see me in the back yard as I whipped my top off in less than a second once I figured out what was crawling around MY TIT!!!
I have a beetle past. Now I have a beetle present.
And people wonder why my spider phobia has me constantly asking them to check my lid for spiders.
I'm telling you, they could be in there.
Anything could be in there.
i am willing to release all fear