Monday, March 18, 2013

life changed yesterday.

I don't know how this is going to end, but I know how it began.

I tried an experiment.

It went well.  I realize I don't feel like drugging my body with alcohol.

Papi started drinking again, and I decided that I didn't want to be the only sober person in the relationship, because I'd be stuck on the island of the Dominican Republic, isolated with an alcoholic and I'm not sure if I can handle it sober.

I felt I wanted to close my eyes to what was about to happen.

Well, I didn't really like the effects.  It reminded me too much of being on pain meds and that is not how I want to live.

It was the main reason for moving here.  To live better, and get off pain meds.

Papi looked at me, "I can't believe you're drinking.  Aren't you upset that you just lost 14 years of sobriety?"

I didn't feel that way.  "I didn't lose anything.  I gained 14 years of a better life."  It was at that moment that I knew I didn't really want to have the old life I had.

I suppose I had what they call a slip.  I'm not interested in continuing with drinking myself silly to avoid the problems I'm about to face.

I love my life the way it is, and everything I've gained.

Papi on the other hand, well, it looks like he would like to live his old life that is 'fun'.

I told him, "You can't drink just one drink.  Don't you remember how it ended with you crying at the side of the road in the DTES, crying on the curb?"

Because I sure as hell remember.

So, we shared 2 beers to begin the experiment.

I didn't even finish the 2nd beer.  I went to bed, to get ready for our trip to the capitol today, Papi stayed up then drove after those 2 beers to our neighbouring city, Cabarete, and drank some more.

He was drunk enough that someone drove him home.

I woke up at 5:15 to a very drunk spouse, staggering around the kitchen defending himself, "I'll be fine to drive in 5 hours."


No you won't.

Looks like I'll be driving illegally for 3 hours to a strange city that is twice as dangerous as the one we're in today.

Looks like I'll be stranded on an island with none of my friends here to support me, and a bunch of people back home who won't even know the hell I'm going through, because they've dumped me emotionally, hiding my every word from Facebook.

Looks like I'll be living with an active drunk, hoping I don't become a victim of his alcoholism.

Looks like I'll be brainstorming ways to survive with 8 animals, living without support, and a person who will be drunk every day.

Looks like I'll be worrying about my spouse being beaten by locals as he goes out drinking with strangers who will take advantage of him when he's hammered.

Looks like our lives as we know it changed as of yesterday and I'm terrified of my future.

I've had thoughts that when it gets to be too difficult, there are options.  Some that are not a good idea to share here, lest I scare my readers and people who love me.

I got some footage of him passed out on the couch at around 6 a.m.

Food uneaten, dogs picking at the carcass of the remains, hopping all over him, fighting over the food.

He just lied there, completely unaware that they were even in his space, then finally tried swatting them away when The Donkey used his chest to lunge toward the littlest ones in defence of the piece he got first.

Mi esposo opened his blurry eyes, looked at me filming him, then handed me the dirty plate like I was his maid.

No, I'm not your maid, I'm not your keeper, and I'm not your drinking partner.

I am not supporting this.

I want the clean 'n sober life I built for 14 years.

I want the sober person I married to be back, but something tells me, life changes today.

Something tells me my life just got a hell of a lot more difficult.

I feel so alone I can't even tell you.

If I thought I had trouble with The Guard and the Housemaid and every other issue we've had here, I was wrong.

I feel hopeless.

i may not understand the good in this situation yet, but it is there

 (if you'd like to enjoy a happier day, you can watch our latest YouTube Show)


  1. You are tough dearest A, hang un there. Though its been a while, always been here. You have my vote id confidence. This too, will pass.

  2. I'm sorry to hear this, but that's so inadequate. I understand how serious this is, and I wish you had some support right now.

    I have never lived with a drunk. I've been one. A very controlled one, but over the edge nonetheless. Like any self-medication, there was a reason for it. I dealt with the reason, and now I don't want to self-medicate, at least not to the extent I once did. I realize that my demon was nowhere near as strong as some.

    I thought Papi was doing well. I thought he was happy. I didn't think there was any reason for him to self-medicate. But I guess there must be a reason. I know there are two big steps to this process -- decide to stop, and fix whatever it is that needs fixing. I know that only Papi can decide to stop. But can the need to self-medicate be removed?

    You are in my loving kindness blessings every night. I always wish you strength and love. I will continue to do so.

    1. thank you for the blessings véronique.

      i took your words to heart and we talked about the 'why'. things are getting better.

      i love you xo

  3. Oh, my heart hurts. I can't imagine how alone (LITERALLY) you must feel right now.

    I'm going to tell you something. I think you know it anyhow but you need to hear it again:


    Only they can do so.

    I watched an ex-boyfriend drink himself to death and it was brutal. But even more brutal was learning firsthand that I couldn't change his course, his trajectory. Only he could do that. And he did not.

    Big fat squishy hugs from MN.

    1. i've seen way too many exes kill themselves with drugs and alcohol. the thought of losing my love to this vicious disease is killing me.

      i know you know what i'm saying.

      thank you for understanding, and the reminder that i cannot help anyone who can't hep themselves.

      things are getting better on that front. again.

  4. I hope Papi comes to his senses Andrea, and I'm sorry you're alone out there, sending hugs your way XxX

    1. he is kiki. he is.

      thank you for the love.

      all of you being here makes me feel less alone, even if it's virtual.

  5. hi Andrea: I know i've not known you too long but I can totally identify with your situation. I myself had battled the bottle and let me tell you it is not easy. The thing is it is a daily battle i'm sure you know, maybe E. is just experimenting to see how far he can go, i've done that, but i'm sure he will realize that it's not a good place, it's funny how we keep reminding ourselves what an ugly place it is to be and yet we go try it out anyways, please don't feel alone, and i know that i don't count my sobriety in years but more like one day at a time. hope this helps, lots of love to the both of you

    1. this did help carol.

      for me, i don't feel like i've lost any sobriety. it was a slip that i had to do to find out that i love my life i've created for 14 years. i'm proud to want sobriety.

      i think e's experiment has subsided for now. who knows when it will rear it's ugly head again, but for today, is has subsided.

  6. Glad to hear things are seemingly better today, and that you talked about "the why". Take care of yourself!
    One step at a time. :-D

    1. one breath at a time occasionally. but yes. it's seemingly better. i'm trying not to avoid the pain and work on it.


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