We were all ready to take my baby sister & crew to Ocean World so they could swim with sting rays, sharks and get cuddled by 500 lb sea lions.
We hopped into our decrepit car to start praying we made it to point B and back, and that's when it happened.
At first, I thought I sat on a match, but that thought was squashed when I wondered where a match could have come from.
OK.
Scratch that.
I thought perhaps, I pinched my ass cheek on my undies, but I quickly realized the type I was wearing wouldn't pinch my butt.
Which is the whole point of why I wear them.
It was at that moment that the true pain set in.
I can't blame the little fella.
If I saw a giant, human orb coming to squish me, I'd bite too.
We still don't know what it was that I sat on.
Papi seems to recall a VERY large 'fly' exiting the vehicle a moment later.
I've seen those large 'flies'. They look like a combo of a bumblebee, fly and military drone.
Whatever it was, the stinger packs a punch, and it definitely got his revenge on my ass.
The pain began to trail down the veins of my leg to my knee, sometimes feeling like it pulsed as far as my ankle.
Then my heart began to pound.
I wasn't sure if it was pounding from the adrenalin, pain or if it was some venomous poison that was increasing my heart rate.
True to my overly dramatic mind, I started to panic a little.
Papi just laughed, "There are no bugs here that can kill you! You'll be fine."
OK.
Maybe I'd be fine, but I sure as hell was having troubles sitting.
There was no pain like this I'd encountered before.
It was nothing like a wasp sting. Those li'l bastards hurt, but the pain has never seemed to travel throughout my body, nor did my heart pound.
And of course!
The sting was right where my one butt cheek would touch the other, so every step I took was agony.
Papi asked me, "Are you limping from your back or the bite?"
I tried to walk normal, but that meant that I just kept falling behind the herd.
I would wince in pain while nobody was looking, because it seemed too silly to be hurting that much from a bug bite on my ass!
My baby sister kept offering me 'After Bite', but we were in public. I wasn't too keen on stroking my ass in front of a bunch of strange men.
I just leaned to the right when I sat.
Today, that bitch is itchy.
It woke me up at around 6 a.m., reminding me of yesterday's agony.
Itch, scratch, itch, scratch, itch, scratch, "No please! I wanted to sleep in!!!
Then of course, I couldn't get back to sleep because my over-active mind began obsessing about what the first song is I'm going to teach the village children in April.
From there, I quickly was reminded me of The Donkey and I was wondering why she was so quiet.
I didn't realize Papi put her out in the middle of the night, because she just kept crying while she was inside the house last night.
I was certainly happy not to wake up to a new pool in my kitchen.
Anyway, my ass is not impressed with the antics of yesterday's mystery bug.
Maybe I'll stick that overly swollen side of my butt in those waves that are in my front yard to heal it with salt water?
It looks like I'm one part Kim Kardashian. On the inner, lower, left cheek.
It's definitely a g-string and a muumuu kinda day.
We hopped into our decrepit car to start praying we made it to point B and back, and that's when it happened.
At first, I thought I sat on a match, but that thought was squashed when I wondered where a match could have come from.
OK.
Scratch that.
I thought perhaps, I pinched my ass cheek on my undies, but I quickly realized the type I was wearing wouldn't pinch my butt.
Which is the whole point of why I wear them.
It was at that moment that the true pain set in.
I can't blame the little fella.
If I saw a giant, human orb coming to squish me, I'd bite too.
We still don't know what it was that I sat on.
Papi seems to recall a VERY large 'fly' exiting the vehicle a moment later.
I've seen those large 'flies'. They look like a combo of a bumblebee, fly and military drone.
Whatever it was, the stinger packs a punch, and it definitely got his revenge on my ass.
The pain began to trail down the veins of my leg to my knee, sometimes feeling like it pulsed as far as my ankle.
Then my heart began to pound.
I wasn't sure if it was pounding from the adrenalin, pain or if it was some venomous poison that was increasing my heart rate.
True to my overly dramatic mind, I started to panic a little.
Papi just laughed, "There are no bugs here that can kill you! You'll be fine."
OK.
Maybe I'd be fine, but I sure as hell was having troubles sitting.
There was no pain like this I'd encountered before.
It was nothing like a wasp sting. Those li'l bastards hurt, but the pain has never seemed to travel throughout my body, nor did my heart pound.
And of course!
The sting was right where my one butt cheek would touch the other, so every step I took was agony.
Papi asked me, "Are you limping from your back or the bite?"
I tried to walk normal, but that meant that I just kept falling behind the herd.
I would wince in pain while nobody was looking, because it seemed too silly to be hurting that much from a bug bite on my ass!
My baby sister kept offering me 'After Bite', but we were in public. I wasn't too keen on stroking my ass in front of a bunch of strange men.
I just leaned to the right when I sat.
Today, that bitch is itchy.
It woke me up at around 6 a.m., reminding me of yesterday's agony.
Itch, scratch, itch, scratch, itch, scratch, "No please! I wanted to sleep in!!!
Then of course, I couldn't get back to sleep because my over-active mind began obsessing about what the first song is I'm going to teach the village children in April.
From there, I quickly was reminded me of The Donkey and I was wondering why she was so quiet.
I didn't realize Papi put her out in the middle of the night, because she just kept crying while she was inside the house last night.
I was certainly happy not to wake up to a new pool in my kitchen.
Anyway, my ass is not impressed with the antics of yesterday's mystery bug.
Maybe I'll stick that overly swollen side of my butt in those waves that are in my front yard to heal it with salt water?
It looks like I'm one part Kim Kardashian. On the inner, lower, left cheek.
It's definitely a g-string and a muumuu kinda day.
i love and accept all parts of myself
F-uuuuck. I'd cry. Does it cost much to see the Dr? Did E check to make sure whatever it was didn't take flesh it leave aliens in you?
ReplyDeletejeeezus ... i don't like the thought. i'm not going to think about it unless it grows. so far, it's gone down. just really itchy!
DeleteI won't go to the Dr here unless one of us has a limb missing!
ReplyDeleteThe bite just looked like a mosquito bite.
We have to get Health Insurance, haven't been able to deal with getting it yet, maybe next month ;-)
It's not too expensive to go to the dr here though.
We have to video the Puerto Plata ER, it is sure something. I would not go there if I was dying b/c i think it would speed up the process!!!
Papi
there is no need for a doc. my ass is just a little red. and itchy. nothing is growing in there.
Deleteand i don't want to think about it anymore!!!!!
lmao!