Thursday, November 29, 2012

i'm trying ...

She hasn't had time to really find out how I am, so she said what everyone else thinks, "Sorry you're so sad about losing him."  She, as does everyone, thinks I'm only mourning.  I wish that were all it was.

I know in the past, writing has helped.  It's just that I haven't been coherent enough to write.  However, today, this little page called to me from my bed.  I felt I needed to purge my words of all I've felt since Saturday.

After our ridiculous fight, I tried to go to the synagogue to find some healing.

I play a hand drum they have there.  I play because I don't know all the songs, and sometimes, it's nice just to play to be a musical addition to their energy, even if I don't use my words.

The problem is, I was told it was the wrong thing to do.  Apparently, I made The Guardkeeper spirit angry at my Rabbi, because way back when, there was a rule about nobody playing drums while people are singing.  Good g*d!  I make trouble everywhere I go.

Anyway, because I was in a place of weakness, in my embarrassment, I cried.  Everyone there thought I was only crying because I was told not to play the drum.

I had to explain that my dog just died, I had a fight with my spouse about me being 'wrong', then I came to the synagogue for healing, but was told I was 'wrong' again.  All of this, with the compounding stress of the disappearing days on The Countdown has me in a bit of a tizzy.

I told them, "If this had have been any other time in my life, I would have blushed about the whole 'drum thing' and gone on singing."  Not this time.

That evening, Papi dealt with his grieving about The Golden, and witnessing his way of dealing with pain broke me.

I went into a physical meltdown, whispering through my drooling, hyperventilating tears to the 'g*d' that doesn't exist to 'please help me get off the floor!'  I was begging to The Golden, to my Dearly Departed Gypsy and to my Great Grandmother to please help me.

Anybody!  Please!  Help me?

With shaking limbs, I was stranded on the floor in fetal position.  It was over for me, I was sure.  I was going to die from emotional pain, just like I thought I would when I was a tiny little girl when my P.T.S.D. first arose.

When I was that child, I was afraid to go to sleep.  If I were to sleep, I may never wake up, because my debilitated heart would stop beating, and I would die.

In this adult moment of a mental collapse, every single horrid experience life handed me flooded my mind in one massive tsunami of P.T.S.D.  Since that moment, I've had 6 days of not being able to find my breath, fearing I may choke.  Not to mention, pass out from the lack of oxygen I'm pulling in.

I've had 6 days, where every time I close my eyes, everything comes rushing towards me; my motorcycle smashing into that car ... a fork aimed at my head as it sliced through air, because I wasn't home in time for dinner ... the fist of a former lover smashing my chest in anger, because I said something wrong.  You name it, it came straight toward me, re-injuring my fragile mind with fresh wounds.

Sometimes, there is nothing I can even identify coming at me.  These 'things' come so fast and frantic I don't even see them, but every single time something rushes towards me, it sends bolts of electricity through my body and I flinch.

My breathing won't calm.  You know when kids have those after shocks from crying?  That breathing in short choppy spurts?  I'm getting it all day long.

All ... Day ... Long.  Long.  So very long.

I'm moving through quicksand.  Even as I try to pick up a glass of water from the side table, it feels like lifting a 25 lb weight.  It then takes all my strength and I'm down again.

I can barely keep my eyes open, yet I don't sleep.  I just stare at the little silver rings.  They're strong enough to hold the white, floor length curtains on brushed nickel rods in Our Closet.  I wish they could hold me.

I shouldn't say I don't sleep.  I lost a day there.  I slept a cool 17 hours from Tuesday to Wednesday evening.  Papi came in to wake me up, afraid that it was true; that I could die from emotional pain.  I ate a few bites, listened to Papi's history of the day and went back to bed, sleeping a full night again.

Still, here I am, staring at the mock silver rings that can't hold my weight.  Here I am.  Speaking words, that come out of my mouth even though they don't sound like they're mine.

I'm on another plain right now.  This is not sadness, nor is it grief.  This isn't even Hurricane Andréa.  I'm much too silent for that.  This is one mother fucking spate of P.T.S.D. that hunts me like prey.  I have to stop running and allow it to take me down and swallow me whole.

This Pit of Doom is nothing I've ever experienced.  This is physical.  I don't move from the La-Z-Boy, lest I collapse from weakness.

None-the-less, I must be getting better.  I'm writing.

i am willing to release all fear


  1. Gawd DAMMIT, why is life always so HARD? I'm praying for you and I'm sorry that your experience at the synagogue went the way that it did. Sending healing thoughts and hugs your way.

    1. thanks for the hugs tricia ... life is what it is. i just need to get through this round of battery.

      i always do. i'm still alive. just not breathing so well.

  2. At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person.....

    Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.
    Albert Schweitzer

    My personal favourite....... "Be a fruitloop in a world full of cheerios."

    hugs to you Andrea xxx

  3. Andrea - next time you close your eyes just picture US, your friends, standing all in a row holding out our arms waiting to give you a big hug. We share your pain and we want to offer our support. Please let us be who you see. Fuck all the other shit that has you sad and doubting. Don't give away that kind of power to anyone.

    Also, though I am of zero religious persuasion, I believe in an animal heaven - because after all, that is the ONLY place our dearly departed fuzzy friends could possibly be. And I have my fair share of them there so I've put out the word to my Dakota who has happily taken the Golden and Gypsy into the fold and though they still miss us they are quite the happy gang!


    1. i feel like he just can't find his way. i'm sure i'll breathe easier when i see him in his healthy place. he needs to show me he's feeling better.

  4. Sorry to hear what you are going through. Are you open to some energy healing? It sounds like you could use some alternative therapy. From what you describe you are holding a lot of negative experiences/emotions in your body which have surfaced with events of late. I know it sounds pretty new ages, and I have not had this type of bodywork done but friends/acquaintances have and have had good results. If you are not open to that maybe some acupuncture to deal with the stress. I know a great practitioner with reasonable rates. He used to be a counsellor before becoming a TCM practitioner over 10 years ago after being in a bad car crash.

    1. that's exactly what's happened. it's time to release it all. i'm going to try something my counselor recommeneded, but i am open to more!

  5. Hi Lovey.

    I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this. I know it may seem like no one can understand... but sometimes, that doesn't matter. Sometimes you just want to know that you are heard...and perhaps...that someone cares... or is praying for you. I care Andrea. I feel your pain through your words. Nothing is like losing a loved one. It's one of the most painful experiences ever. I'm so sorry that you are enduring this depth of pain. and, I know this may sound strange.. but, thank you so much for sharing. I, as others are too, am going through so much right now. I may have to try and get on disability very soon, and I appreciate your honest sharing as it makes me feel less alone. I'm sure that wasn't your agenda when writing this...but know, for sure, that you are helping me to feel as if life is not just happening to me.

    I love you Andrea. You have remained with me, commenting when you can on my posts, that I want you to know that you truly do me. ;-)

    If you would like to private message me... you know where you can find me. And, if you do not feel up to talking... know that I understand that as well.

    But please know are in my thoughts and my prayers.

    1. :) what you don't realize, is by writing and finding that others go through the same emotions, it helps me get stronger as well.

      i need to be here to write, so that i can connect with others who give me strength.

      YOU are the reason i write. you :)



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