My Living Day

Yesterday was my Living Day Anniversary.

I only figured it out around noon, though.

For the past month, I didn't look forward to the day coming.

Especially when My Ghost showed up to remind me of my day coming up, but the day went better than I expected.

I suppose it went well, because I didn't know it was the day.

Ignorance is bliss.

On this day every year, I usually think about what I've lost.  Not on purpose, but it's just that the day has been very traumatic to think of, and the flashbacks are awful.  From there it goes into the pain, from there into all I've had to work for, and right smack dab into loss.

I couldn't help it.  I would compare myself to My Ghost

Yet somehow, that didn't happen yesterday, even though, on this day I had to walk really slow.  Oh yes, the Limping Lesbian was in full force.

Sometimes, when I'm walking really slow from pain, I just turn my headphones up a little louder and appreciate what I'm hearing.

I walk as if I'm just enjoying the music, and that I have nowhere to be on time.

I dawdle.

I meander.

I've learned that in my new life, there are no emergencies.

I don't run for buses.  If it happens to be in most people's 'running distance', I watch them run, then I think to myself, "Well, I wasn't meant to be on that one."

Hell, I don't usually get across the intersection in time for the light to change.  I just eye the cars who are inching their way toward me, dying to turn right, but there's this dawdling woman, annoyingly crossing the street WAY TOO SLOW!!!!

Fuckers!  Wait till they're 100 years old and see how hard it is to walk with a bitch of a back!!!

Anyway, I don't see the loss in my life as much now.

I suppose I've really grown into the new 'me' over the past 4 years, and that's why My Ghost is here.  It's safe to have her with me.

Perhaps, it's because I have a new start to look forward to.  That could be it too.

Here is what I've gained:

I've learned how to be a friend.  I don't have music to put before friendship anymore.

I've learned that there are really good people in this world.  I've had the time to find them.

I've gained gratitude.  I'm so grateful I made it through.  I have a 2nd chance at life.

I've become much nicer to myself, even when the mirror lies.

I've learned how to enjoy life, and learned how to relax, even if it's forced.

I've allowed myself to feel my emotions and not be so afraid of them.

Mind you, that last one gets a little help from good ol' Prozac.

Anyway, it was my Living Day Anniversary.  The day I didn't die.

The day I was given a 2nd chance to live life the way I was meant to, even when I'm limping around and wincing.

I guess it being my day would explain the comfort food eating of one massive pot of rice pasta last night.

At least I can get comfort from rice pasta, not a bucket of mock ice cream.

Anyway, 4 years ago, I was granted the opportunity to live life the way it was meant to be.

For my gift for my day, I wish for every person to be granted everything I've been granted, without having to go through the trauma and hard work of re-wiring their brain.

Live life well everyone!

That's the secret to happiness.

i find deep inner peace within myself as i am