Friday, October 21, 2011


Well, I can't seem to stay out of trouble.

Am I evil?


I just know that not speaking our truth is what will kills us.

We need to get things out of our head and through our mouths before it will leave our souls.  At the same time, we need to find friends that can understand us, and in turn help us learn new ways of thinking.

We all don't fit in together which is what makes this life so beautifully fucked.

I love my life with my perfect soul mate.

except for when my bitch of a back wakes up or when papi eats mcdonald's ...

This soul mate that I saw as perfect before, is slowly, day by day becoming even more perfect.

The scars are easing like the fear I had of losing those soft pillows I loved so much.  The changes that I had hoped to come in my thinking are surfacing, and this amazing soul I'm married to is the same sweet soul on the inside.

It occurred to me when I read yesterday's comments that I was defending Papi and Papi was defending me.

I remember when this all started out, that my biggest fear was those with voices louder than mine.  I feared they would squash me like a bug for having feelings.

I felt I was the only one that felt the way I did, because all those who were vocally, supportively and visibly part of pushing this trans movement forward were the only voices my community wanted to hear.

So I wrote to an imaginary friend who wouldn't judge me.

that's right! don't double cross me bitches ... i'm craaaaaaaazy !!!

I felt I couldn't defend Papi if I wasn't strong enough to defend myself.  This is not a feeling of being whole.  I was grieving and needed to find my strength.

I have.

I'm good with how I handled some of it with imagery that helped me cope.  I like humour to heal.  I envisioned all of those who could 'potentially hate' my feelings as cheerleaders of gender transformation on the sidelines, who could shout louder and kick their legs higher than mine.

It's much nicer than the scary monster that kept me oppressed.

We're all different on the inside, and man, sometimes our insides are nasty bitches!

I'm not sure where all this is leading, but I'm going to tell you something, I like the dialogue.

I LIKE that people are talking and getting it all out.


But try to put humanitarianism before politics, and know that we can't all live to better suit anyone else's ideals.

they tried to do that to me with religion.

No thanx.

I'm not sure who the language police are, but they haven't strapped me with a fine for using the word tranny yet, so, I will continue to label my spouse as such.

Papi is a tranny.

I'm married to Papi.

I have had to take a year to transition along with my spouse, and you can't tell me how it is I'm supposed to do it is wrong, or right.

I may have offended those with penes, by saying that I don't like them, but which part of lesbian don't you understand?

I am attracted to trans people, and this is the realization that I've come out of this whole thing with.

I love trannies.

I never knew I did, but now that I'm out of denial, I know this as my truth.

I also know that once you try to silence me, I yell a little louder.

So, go ahead.  Leave me comments telling me I'm not allowed to do something.

Ask my mother how well that went.


  1. "RAWR!!!"

    A, keep putting it out there darlin'. Because this transguy LOVES hearing what you have to say. E, is very, incredibly lucky to have you walking beside him and transitioning with him. :)

  2. thank you T.D. :) i'm lucky to have such an amazing spouse in my life that has taught me so much without even knowing it.

    it's great to have your back baby! xo

  3. With an injured back, it's probably better that you don't run around with pompoms, kicking your legs in the air. ;)

    I'm so very glad to have had the privilege of reading about your fears and worries, and now your triumphs, healing and strength. You're an inspiration - one of the few folks brave enough to speak their mind- and I love that things are getting better and easier now. :3

  4. thank you nano :) yeah ... these feet stay on the ground now ...

    strength. you never know when it's going to pop up and surprise us!

  5. I reckon most of them are just jealous that you and Papi have made it through this and come out the other side stronger.

    Of course those of us that have been your imaginary friends from the start never had any doubt you would.
    Fuck 'em.
    And their pom poms.

  6. yeah.

    i was never called to be a cheerleader.

    and i can't kick very high anymore.

    fuck their pompoms.

  7. oc & psycho, you both know the drill. i love you xo

  8. I have to ask again: You never say, he and him
    Why is that? Did he, or did he not transition? If he did, documents changed, etc. why do you not honor your soulmate in that manner? Transsexuals receive enough disrespect through the transitioning process and post transition that it would seem to me that those who love and care for transsexuals would at the very least, honor their identity. You don't lose your lesbian card simply because you're partnered to a transsexual man. And if you believe it tampers with your identity, that to me is a pretty codependent identity in the first place. I think you would have had a more positive response to your article had you been 1) more respectful of identities and insensitive verbiage 2) less disrespectful of men (vehement statements do not a lesbian make!) 3) more assertive in the positive aspects of your partnership/marriage to a transsexual rather than rant and blame 4) providing a support group or resource for those who will experience what you have for which you did not receive support. In other words, make your voice matter instead of just sounding like a bitter rant. Unless of course, that was your goal.

  9. Ok. Now I get you. You're a fucking WHACK job honey. There isn't a consistent bone in your body, let along thought in your head. I've read your Transman article and your blog. You are crystal clear. No more challenges to you. Won't be posting here for you to NOT make public. I'm done. I can walk away...seriously laughing at why I even bothered when I should have known by your behaviours and assertions...WHACK JOB!

  10. hehehe

    i'm a whack job :)

    almost as cool as being crude

    thanx for stopping by my site xo

  11. Anon has their panties shoved up pretty high, don't they? hahahahahah!!

  12. I don't think it's sand, sounds more like a herpes outbreak

  13. Ok I have to say I find it insanely amusing that people are jumping up on their soap boxes in judgement and suggesting shame for you A) having an opinion and B) how dare you not label your soul mate with a gender. Yes Big a go and start a support group but, make it a support group for human beings who get ridiculed for having an opinion, like Jesus fuck the amount of hypocrisy that I see in these comments is mind boggling! Make it ok for everyone else and label yet start a support group to promote understanding but yes please label and judge at the same time! LABEL LABEL LABEL!!!!! Who gives a ishh let people be people and do what makes them comfortable and let us identify solely as human beings! Everything and everybody doesn't have to be put in a category all that does is promote segregation. As for the comment referring to you as a whack job, hmmm who is the whack job here? Could it be the judgemental moron clearly obsessed with your blog and calling you names and having a verbal hissy fit????? Hmmm sounds a little more fitting to me. Anyway please know I support both you and E, <3 Rae

  14. I love that two non-sycophantic comments is "mind boggling".

    Andrea: I'm terribly sorry for intruding into your echo chamber. Finite incantatem!

  15. echo away!!

    all opinions need to be on the table, really.

  16. You're fine. Everybody else can go fuck themselves. I also think that the real whack job here is someone who would become so obsessed that they have to follow you around your blog and repeatedly tell you off anonymously.

  17. Big A, I commend you for letting your feelings and experiences out and processing them. I support both you and E for being out there and transitioning together. You are not alone, either of you and that is because you have EACH OTHER and you're finding out who your supportive friends are.
    Someone raking you over the coals for having feelings and opinions? Welcome to the fucking internet people! If you don't like what you read? Go somewhere else! Or? Realize that everyone has feelings and maybe...just maybe this is a healthy way to process those feelings. I for one am also ocd, bp II and bpd, god fucking help the person who tries to silence me and tell me my feelings should be different than what they are! I'm a huge defender of allowing people to have their own feelings. Big A, it's not healthy to be silent in your transition and I support you AND all of your feelings because GUESS WHAT PEOPLE? They're feelings and everyone has them.

  18. Wow - whackjob?!?!? Speaking your truth and sharing something so difficult for you with so much honesty now equates to being a whackjob?? Oh, right.... caving to peer pressure and political correctness and allowing others to silence you is way less whacky. Jeezuschrist people. You don't like her blog - google away and find one that suits your oppressive interests better :)

  19. @betenoire: yeah ... if people need to speak anonymously, it sounds like they're afraid of their own voice being associated with themselves :)

    @lukeowt: thank you. i hope that people also follow in your wake of strength for sharing your truths

    @extrospection: exactly my friend! nobody's forcing anyone to be here ... hehehe ... i like the page hits XD

  20. Well you may see your comments as non-sycophantic @ anonymous but I do find your judgement mind boggling as it is so painfully judgmental you don't have to share Big a's opinions but you sure as hell don't need to be such a cunt about it. Sounds like self esteem issues, maybe some transference I don't know what but it's something.

  21. You go Big A....I love a whack job. Everyone is entitled their own opinion, but really,,,why do you feel the need to be so mean? That's all it is. I'm not super educated in political correctness. All I know is I love my friends. A good human a good human.



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