Monday, October 31, 2011

Never say 'never'.

This hysterectomy is a lot less demanding of my emotions than the top surgery.

I do need a few days to process my feelings around all of it.

Papi said I'm acting different.

yeah ... well at least i still have my lady bits ...

I am having feelings, but I just can't figure out what they are.

Papi asked if it was because it was the last procedure to get through.

Could be.

Could be that it's all over now and we get to watch the butterfly emerge.

I honestly don't know what it is, but I'm sure it will surface soon.

It usually does when I'm writing to 'you', my imaginary friend.

I haven't had a chance to force feed Papi any vegetables yet.

I'm too busy feeding and caring for the Fuzzy Family, the 96 year old coot, and the wounded tranny.

except for yesterday ... yesterday i played hookie from being a caretaker and got to see some of my 'rough around the edges friends' ...

Interesting enough though, last night we watched a documentary on transgender children.

The narrator told us they'd be using their birth assigned gender as the referring pronoun.

I was actually shocked that they would disrespect the children this way.

When we were watching the documentary, these children were the gender they felt.  It didn't matter that they were born a boy or girl.  They were definitely the gender they felt in their mind.

I was horrified that they documentary makers would refer to them as a gender they clearly were not.

It pleased me that I was horrified.

It means I'm thinking a hell of a lot differently than I was a year ago.

Then it dawned on me.

A year ago, I couldn't fathom being in a relationship with a transgender person.  I couldn't imagine ever letting go of my perfect butch that I grieved for.

I believe that's the reason the top surgery was such a big deal compared to the hysterectomy.  I wasn't ready for it.

Time heals us.

I was well enough to be Papi's support system for this surgery.

When the top surgery happened, I wasn't ready.  This is why it was such an ordeal for me.

I suppose this means I truly am ready to deal with all of the changes.

One good thing about the hysterectomy?  Papi will be taking less of that poison everyone flippantly refers to as 'T'.


The 'rules' are still in place about that one.

They must still be called hormones for my weak psyche to handle the fact that this concoction is roaming through my love's body, changing him from the inside out.

I don't know that I'll ever get used to that one, but then I said that about a lot of things, didn't I?


  1. Glad to see this was so much easier on you. But then it's not a surprise. Your strength and acceptance have come shining through. By the way I love the "have at'er bitches". Isn't that just the perfect tell to where you are right now;) Love ya!

  2. Andrea, to me, being on the outside, reading about your life and what's been going it, it seems to me that you may be finding peace in the situation.

    I have not been in your situation and to be completely honest, I don't think I ever will be, but I do know one thing...considering all that you've been going through and the changes you've had to edure with your love, you are so much stronger than you realize.

    Not all of us can learn, accept and work with the stuff that is slapped upon our lives plates but you seem to have done so with love and acceptance.

    My hat's off to you my dear!

  3. @jamie, i felt i had to moderate before, because i was afraid of people. i think i've gained so much strength that i'm able to leap tall buildings with a single bound :)

    @kim, you are that same strong person. my blogger friends were the first people i spoke to ... you are all the reason i'm doing so well ... so remember that when you think you're not strong as well ... you're strong enough to hold me up xo

  4. I noticed you'd stopped moderating comments as well and that put a huge smile on my face. Isn't progress a wonderful thing! So glad to hear Papi is doing well and that you're also doing well, Andrea. :) xo

  5. yeah vee, it's so nice to be feeling strong enough to let anyone say anything they want and it won't hurt :)

    it makes me happy xo

  6. Love ya A.
    You know I do. Even in the moments you thought you were at your weakest, I always knew you would rise above it. You always did. ♥

  7. psycho, i know you love me :) that's the greatest part of having you as a friend. you always let me know xoxo


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