Sunday, October 9, 2011

Urinal training 101

Here's something I never, ever thought that I would have to think about.

Men's washrooms.

Apparently the men have different 'rules' in regards to waiting for the cubicle toilet than in the ladies do.

We ladies line up, and in a civil manner, we wait for one of the stalls to open and the next in the queue is granted their turn.

This phenomenon is different in the men's.

You know how when you go to the grocery store, you look for the 'perfect' lane?

We think, "Ah-ha! This is the fastest lane!" and we make the choice to park our overfilled buggy, in hopes that we'll move faster than the lane beside us.

Sometimes, we're the winner in the race, and other times, we realize we have a dud and start ogling the other lines in hopes that we can still make up the time we've lost.

Well, I've learned that men eye up the stalls in a very similar manner, choose the perfect one, and wait in front of the door.

So, even if the dude next to you was behind you in the line, and they chose the fastest stall, they get in first.

Sounds a bit barbaric to me.

Anyway, last night my love went to a football game and found himself waiting in a men's washroom line up.

This is where things could be dangerous for Papi, and where fear could set in.

Men are mostly oblivious to the fact that Papi is transitioning to a man.

However, there was mi esposo, waiting in the men's line that wasn't moving fast enough for his liking.

As a knee jerk reaction, Papi scooted over to the women's line, forgetting that this is no longer an option.

When Papi realized this, he removed himself ...

just thought i'd let you know that i now feel more comfortable writing male pronouns ... i just realized it myself, so i thought i'd share mid-thought ... because that's how i roll ...

... and proceeded to park his ass with the boys again.

They probably didn't notice, because really, all they want to get in and out of the washroom fast enough to refill their bladders with beer again.

This is when my love finally got into the washroom and saw the bathroom stall phenomenon.

My love is still a bit nervous about his PeeCock craft, so he uses a stall until he feels confident that he can tinkle just as good as the next.

Also, that brings us to the other moment of 'hmmmm ...'.

Mi esposo asks me, "When men go to the urinal, how far down do they unzip?"

i'd like to point out that my love asked me ... how the fuck would i know?!?!  remember?!?!  penis phobia over here!!!

However, Papi has a good point.  You can't just go in and study men at a urinal.  Especially at a football game!

The testosterone is flying high in these kinda settings.  Mi esposo would be due for a beat-down if he stood there studying manly mens' actions at a urinal.

Seriously.  They're pumped full of liquid courage.

So there I was, listening to my love's verbal pondering and thought, "Damn!  Someone needs to help F-Ms out!"

There should be some sorta grooming school.

I know that some people will coach M-Fs with their fledgling female swagger and womanly nuances.

Papi needs some male coaching.

I'm definitely not the one to ask.

So, if you care to leave your suggestions in the comments box down below, I'm sure Papi would be happy with the support.

But really.

This lining up at the stall rule.

Dear males: What the fuck is that about?

**update, i thought i'd mention something about the Rah-Rah-Tranny issue ... well, this is my blob/blab and i think i'll stick to my guns and keep my blob/blab the way it always has been.  sorry charlie ... but i'll only be restricting it when it comes to outside sources.  thank you.  you may now resume you previously scheduled reading**


  1. Errrr, really? I can't recall ever seeing separate lineups for stalls. It would need to be a massive bathroom. Even for rows of (unisex) porta-potties, there's an informal grouping system, and whoever's been waiting longest in each group of 3-4 goes next. *shrug*

    And how far do we unzip? Unzip the whole zipper, open front of pants wide enough. Pants do NOT drop off the butt at all.

    Maybe start simple, and just go to the Cambie and pee on the wall urinal. ;)

  2. I learn something new every time I visit your blog, Andrea.

  3. If I were to offer any suggestions it would be based upon what Son pee all over the seat.
    Yeah, I'm not much help.

  4. @rodney, you blood well cracked me up. i'll be sure to show papi your suggestion ... maybe it's just a vancouver thing with the lining up at stall thing? i dunno lol!

    @vee, i'm amazed at all i learn every living day of this transformation. it's a trip.

    @dirty, lmao! you need to get the wipes. i happy to see the ones i bought have been (ahem) used xo

  5. Depending on how his PnP works, results might vary slightly but as far as I've ever seen, here's the men's room 101.

    #1) As Rodney said the front opens fully, fish it out and then stare at the wall blankly (not sure why but men's brains seem to turn off when they pee:-) #2)Do not panic if the guy next to you suddenly pees on your shoe (yes it really has happened to me) I find an effective growl and stomp away manoeuvre the best for dealing with this #3)Be real careful that you have the PnP snug to your body (otherwise - big mess) #4 and this is the most important, no matter how scared spitless you are, never let em see it. get your phone out if you are stuck in a line waiting for a stall/urinal/hole in the floor. Send a text, read an email. It keeps your mind off things and their minds occupied with someone else.

    What I have learned is that men have a huge case of "squirrel" syndrome, if they are looking at anything they are looking at whatever sticks out the most. If you are just another guy sending a text in line while you wait to pee, you blend in and the eyes pass right over you :)

    As for lining up at the stall door, I have seen this phenomenon before, it sort of happens randomly at sporting events/concerts, most likely brought on by an over-eager, testosterone-fuelled ding bat of the type that often appear at these events and will usually clear up within 10 minutes. If this situation starts happening while you're around, get in line at the stall and implement suggestion #4.

  6. it was a HUGE bathroom at BC place. Maybe it only happens at BC place type things and Porta-Potties?

  7. lmao!

    blayde, that was probably the single best comment i've ever had on my blob/blab.

    unfortunately, papi commented AFTER and will definitely be here shortly to read :)

  8. Thank you Blayde! I've never been nervous in the Mens washroom before last night. I will show no fear :->

  9. I've been thinking about this and I do have a piece of advice.
    Get the biggest pee-cock available...a MASSIVE one, once they even catch a glimpse of that I'm betting most men won't want to stand anywhere near.

    Their egos won't let them.

  10. Well the only way to do it is to just unbuckle and let your pants drop to the floor around your ankles. This usually will make everyone uncomfortable enough to get the hell away from you. Once you're alone, it really doesn't matter how you pee.

  11. lmao! ok papi, if you combine, rafa, dirty, blayde and rodney all together, you will CLEAR the bathroom.

    then rafa has a point. once you're alone, it doesn't matter how you pee.

    just keep these suggestions out of OUR bathroom :)

  12. Remember, this is most key, you must skip urinal between you and the next guy. Should there be no urinal available following the spacing rule, you are then required to give the stalls a customary glance and use any stall that is obviously empty. Should no stalls be available you are then permitted to utilize one of the spacer urinals. If you immediately use a spacer urinal it means you totally like the dude next to you and was waiting for them moment of urinal opportunity to let down the walls holding back your homosexual lust for his body. Oh, you may violate the skip urinal rule if you really, really have to go to the bathroom and your loud stream attest to the need. That is acceptable because every man has felt the pain of really needing to pee made worse by a lack of trees coupled with an unnecessary conglomeration of police. Also should you enter the bathroom and have your pick of urinals. You should either pick one in the range of middle to the second from the farthest down from the entrance. You cannot pick the farthest because them we will assume that you are hiding something. You see it is a delicate balance of nearness to distance from your fellow urinators. I personally find the whole social system ridiculous. I mean why stand on such social formalities. Clearly the urinal is a relaxed place where all the guys get to hang out with their dicks out and make small talk. I'll be back with more rules later.

  13. Oh, forgot this one. Men don't go to the restroom as a planned group. One guy may head off to the restroom, and in doing so cause another male from the group realize that this might be the best time to go as well and he too will go to the restroom. But under no circumstances should men plan to go to the bathroom with other men in the group. Also, should there be a line (rarely happens I will explain why in a min.) you can be as chummy with you mate as you want in line, but once you cross the porcelain line into the poop throne zone, you two are no longer friends. In fact, you barely know each other. Upon exiting the domain of urinal cakes your friendship returns.
    Now, you will notice that men do not go to the bathroom in groups, and thus there is never a line for the men's toilet. Women go to the bathroom in gaggles, and there is always a line for the women's bathroom. Stop taking your friends to the bathroom: they're the ones who make a line. Plus, you know you have that one friend who is a problem causer in lines, doesn't matter which queue: toilet, grocery, movie tickets..., they will fuck up that line and cause delays. Men have those friends too, they're part of the reason the do not invite buds to the restroom rule was created. Always, glad to lend advice concerning the treacherous social rules concerning taking a piss.

  14. uriel, this is more awesome advice. seriously. i'm glad i don't have to subject myself to all these rules lmao!

    now i know why people talk about the messy mens' bathroom ... you guys have no time to clean up after yourself! you're too busy with the rules!!!

    1. Just another reason I have to be thankful I'm not a dude. And they say we're incomprehensible? LOL. Bathroom rules?

      Gotta say I'm enjoying reading the comments as much as the posts. Thanks all!

  15. ok ty VERY much Urie!!! Very informative. A few months ago a guy started talking to me in the guys bathroom and it freaked me out. I thought there was no talking :-> He was older and we were alone so i guess it was ok but weirded me out!!

  16. Sometimes there *is* a line for the mens' bathroom -- often at beer festivals, go figure -- and in that case the default conversation topic that never fails is "gee, wow, a line?" Talking stops when you get a urinal, unless you and a friend get urinals side by side at the same time.

    Oh, and when at the Ivanhoe, careful putting your beer glass on top of the urinal, as someone may come along and take it. True story! No, that's not how I get my beer.

  17. lmao!! ah the ivanhoe ... wow. yeah ...

  18. I've been thinking, maybe in the next football match, Papi can use a baseball size penis and just pee all over the stalls and the rest of the men in the loo. I probably would do that if I had the chance. Oh well, not much help here. ;)

  19. lol psycho! aren't you glad we don't have so many rules?

  20. And Papi thought all he had to do was master using the pee-cock....

  21. i have also NEVER seen a line like that in the bathroom. also, something to keep in mind is that the majority of (straight) men in a public washroom aren't paying attention to anything you do, cuz they don't want anyone to think they're gay. fairly true story. also, i just use a stall and sit to piss. most of the guys i know (cis guys that is) sit to piss.
    in my experience, the only place it really matters is in the gay bar, and mostly then only if you're trying to pick up. but that's a story for a different day!

  22. @dirty, yeah ... holy! i always thought that side of the gender had it easy :) now i see it's much more complex :)

    @OC, i thought that line up thing was a bit odd. so far census is that it was a strange phenomenon that occurred that eve just to screw with papi :) xo

  23. Even men who've used urinals all their lives occasionally are surprised:

    They have these at Central City Brewing out in Surrey, in case anyone feels like trying them out...

  24. omg rodney those are hilarious!!!!


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