Sunday, January 23, 2011

Vicious Circle.

I've been told I'm too hard on myself by many people in my life.  I have obviously never really truly learned what that means, because here I am striving to understand it again.

When I jumped on to the 'coffee shop', a forum here for bloggers, a person I don't know at all told me it wouldn't do me any good being hard on myself for not being 100% on board with Papi's male transformation.

In another question asked to the forum, "What's the worst thing that has happened to you?" I replied with, "for me it's a toss-up between a motorcycle accident that left me with brain injury, an ex becoming a heroin addict, another ex kicking me out and making me homeless by having a packing party while i was at work and right now my love going through a sex change."

Then, funnily enough, another asked, "Andrea, how is it that two of the four things that you mention as being the worst that has happened to you, are actually things that happened/are happening to someone else?"

I think he was just poking around for my emotions, so I admitted, "i suppose because i'm a narcissistic person :) i don't know if you've ever experienced someone you love die before your eyes from addiction, but man it hurts.  it sticks with you forever.

and as for my spouse?  i said "i do" to my wife.  not my husband.  so now i have to buck up and accept my love for who they are and i'll tell ya, it's not easy. 

so yeah ... i guess my fault in both of those experiences is that i love too deeply.  worst thing that has happened to me is loving?"

Later on he softened the conversation and admitted he knows the pain of losing someone to addiction, then said, "And no, Andrea, loving too deeply is never the worst thing that can happen to someone. Not loving yourself deeply enough is."

There it is again.  Someone telling me I don't love myself.  Common thread in my life.

Later on yesterday, I thought about my feelings of Papi leaving the not so safe cocoon, and exposing the monarch inside, changing forever what we see in our wedding photos.  I believe I have come up with a way to deal with that case of contention I struggle with.

In about 30 years, or even 20 depending on how poorly I take care of myself, I am on no accounts going to look like the 'youngster' that I see in those photos.

I won't be frozen in time, so mi esposo doesn't have to be either.

I now have 3 ways for the teenager, who has gads of self-loathing to heal from, to rationalize this scary process.

Interestingly enough, yes, 2 of them are ego-centered.

'My' embarrassment of Papi going bare breasted will cease, and 'my' face will also change in those photos.  I suppose we could also look at the the 3rd as narcissistic, considering it would be a loss for 'me' if that uterus was not taken away, leaving my love to develop the cancer that has threatened in the past, leaving me a widow.

Yes folks, it's all about me.

But I'm pretty sure that if you have been following this journey, you've figured that out anyway.

I was told by my mother that it's 'all about me' since I was a child.  She made it clear that it was a horrible personality trait.  She really looked for every crevice she could find to smash my confidence like someone breaking a horse.

This, I believe, is why I'm so hard on myself.

I really do hate it when it's all about me.  Through my tears, I've expressed that I deeply wish I could just be happy for Papi, that I could be of support for one of the greatest times of my love's life.  Yet, I lie in fetal position, grieving from the pain of losing my wife.

I am self-centered.

Typically, most musicians/artists/etc. are, but when you really look at the definition of a narcissist, it's about self-love that is beyond the scope of confidence.  I'm not so sure that narcissism is my personality when I really look at how much healing I have around learning to love myself.

Even the self-loathing is all about me.

This could circle forever.

Oi vey.


  1. Don't be too hard on yourself. Everyone is self center to one point or another. If we weren't, we wouldn't be ourselves. Good luck with all of this transformation of your wife. I wish you the best of luck. And her/him. You will make it through and if you really love them, your love will be the only thing that is really important. <3

  2. thank you my dear ... the strange part is i have more love for me now than ever, so it's weird when others recognize my lack of love for me lol!

    i'm really ok in this world. i really am and i'll keep getting better at it


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