Saturday, January 1, 2011

I found my person. **Happy** New Year

I found my first one anyway, and that's all I could ask for.  I needed to find my person who has been where I am right now in this same circumstance, with the same feelings.  Who knew that she was someone I have known for years.  And who knew that the person she's with, her F-M, is someone I've known even longer.

I started off the day yesterday in the dregs of tears.  Two hours of pain wrenching sorrow that had me bound so tightly to thoughts of suicide that I was grateful someone was coming over.  I had to clean up the house.  I swept and cried.  I folded clothes and cried.  I put away dishes with tears on them.  It was pretty pathetic. 

I finally got my ridiculous sobbing under control and my friend arrived.  I was exhausted, and I think I cried out the last of my hydration, because we had 2 hours of talking where the tears only tried to emerge when we talked about the possibility that I may leave this relationship.  I managed to suck them back.

The tears come because I don't want to go anywhere in this life without my love.  I love mi esposo so deeply that I'm willing to suffer out this storm of agony, and re-surface the victor.  The only thing that would make me leave is if I just can't get over this.  If I never find the acceptance that is adequate enough for me to stay, I will have to find my heart and strength again on my own.

My friend had invited me over in the very beginning when the bomb was dropped that my love was going to go through with male transformation.  But the fact that she was with an F-M made me believe that she's someone with pompoms, shouting "Rah-Rah-Rah!  Male transformation is the way baby!!!"

So, I never returned her Facebook email.  As a matter of fact, that was the day I decided to cower from that social site.  I feared people in my community would be saying, "You've got nothing to cry about, you're selfish," echoing my mother's infamous words as a tormented teen.  I feared this friend would condemn me for having views that were less than supportive for transgendered people. 

I was so wrong.  My friend mirrors my very thoughts.  It's like she was speaking my every opinion I didn't want to say out loud, lest I be judged a hateful, transphobic person.

She went into the relationship with the trust that her love wouldn't go through with the top surgery, and that her love wouldn't go on testosterone.  She was duped by denial just as I was.

I should have clued in when mi esposo had a name change.  A name change that I actually chose.  I supported my love in this.

I could have seen the sign when Papi bought a 'Pee-Cock' and worked it's magic in the men's washroom.

But I didn't.

Like my friend, I just trusted that my soul mate would remain the person in my wedding photos.  And like my friend, the love for this person that we each have had the luxury of experiencing out-weighed the pain of trying to find accession that this relationship is going to change.

One of the best things my friend said had nothing at all to do with the transgender issue at all.  It helped so much.  She reminded me that people change in marriage at some point, and it's up to the spouse to decide whether or not they can change with them, or leave.

Unfortunately, my experience only happened within 4 months of being married.  I forget that we'd been together for a couple of years prior to being married.  I used to think that marriage was just a 'little piece of paper'.  Well, until you're in this loving bond, you just can't know that the 'little piece of paper' changes everything.

Here I sit writing on this New Years Day and unlike almost every other day for 6 weeks, there are no tears.  I have a sense that I've gathered an ally in my war.  This is probably the best New Years present I could ever have.  It's the absolute perfect way to start a new year, a new chapter, a new life.

There will still be tears.  My friend promised me that.  Like the day before top surgery when she sobbed so hard the bed was her tissue.  This left her love irked, because he was so excited and happy and she was in turmoil of losing the person she'd prayed wouldn't leave.

No, I don't expect the tears to stop.  I have work to do, but it's day one of hope.  I have my person.  I found her path where she cut away the shrubs, allowing me the ease of walking with understanding, and the spirit that I may call on who won't judge my tears, fears and anger.

Everything is going to be alright.


  1. Thinking of you!! Marriage is so very hard at times! It sounds like you are doing much better! So glad you found a friend that knows exactely how you feel!
    Be sure to take care of yourself!

  2. thank you so much gayle ... yes i'm told marriage is work. glad a big chunk is getting out of the way already :)


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