Wednesday, January 12, 2011

well, at least i made it 10 days ...

Ah damn.  It was too good to last.  The happy face is not on today.  Cranky, anxiety, tears, pain.

My love had told me that there would be no increase in the hormones.  Papi lied.  Mi esposo had already increased without telling me.

This was because there was a fear of tears to witness.  Well, tears or not would have come, but when you're lied to, they're sure to fall.

I don't know if Papi really thought about the betrayal that would be the overwhelming feeling that I would encounter.  A bond will be broken if there's betrayal or lies.

I asked my love to keep that to the only time that the lie experiment would happen.  I don't want our bond to be broken.  It's what keeps me here in this relationship even though the pain of being with this sweet love is greatly threatened by this transition.

It's an honour system.  That's what a bond is.  You have to trust yourself not to break the bond through betrayal.  It will actually harm Papi more than it will me in the long run.

So, the tears flowed, the hyperventilating ensued and we finally got to the place where my love would answer my question,"What else is going on for you that you need to talk about?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean anything at all that you need to talk about that I need to hear."

"I don't feel supported in this transition."

"Tell me what I can do to help you feel supported."

"You're not able to give me what I need."

I asked what it was that I couldn't give that I could help on my end to make my love supported.

"I need you to be happy."

Oh dear.  My love is right.  I can't give that right now.  I'm not happy.  I'm terrified and trying my best to get through this, but I'm not happy for my love to be doing this.  I didn't marry my perfect butch with the foresight that I'd be losing my wife.

No, happy I am not.

So, now after the tears of feeling I wasn't respected in the promise that my love wouldn't go up in the dose of hormones, my love has shown me that I'm not giving the dignity that mi esposo needs as well.

It was  a hard morning.  It was a serious crying session.  Both of us.  Tears flowing as we looked at each other wanting so badly to stop the other's pain.

We concluded that we are both alone in our journey together.



It's not fair that we have to feel this isolation from each other in a time where we both need each other so greatly.  We hold each other physically.  We need to find a way to hold each other emotionally.

Hard day.

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