Monday, January 3, 2011

The beginning of belief

When I spoke to my person about the change in scent of my love and how it drastically affected me, my person told me it could be a deal breaker.  It could be the one thing that someone could feel is too much to bear.  Scent is one of the strongest senses we have.  Sometimes, we don't even perceive we're smelling anything, but our psyche recognizes it.

It's usually the first inkling of attraction we have for someone and we don't even know it.

I told Papi about our conversation and what my person said.  Like always, my love was shocked.  I believe there is an aspect of denial in mi esposo's world as well as my own, and it's possible we have the same denial.  It's possible we both just think the other is going to zap out of their current state. 

I haven't had tears for 2 full days.  I'm sure this is going to be day three, (**enter gitty smile here**) but I think that my love feels that now that I've found my person, I'll just snap out of it and jump straight to acceptance.

Sorry boo.  Ain't gonna happen that way.  We still have work to do.  It's just that I can do the work without hyperventilating and feeling the only way to end the pain is if my spirit dies, giving me that much searched for peace. 

So, when I told my love that the 'man stink' could be something I wouldn't be able to handle, and that my person said my love may have to shower with highly scented soaps before coming to bed, or entering in to the big love fest, Papi was silent.

Bio-men do have to shower more frequently, or find someone who can deal with the lack of hygene.  I'm not one of the people that can deal with that, and fortunately, I'm not straight.  (**phew**)  However, here I am in what I will always consider a lesbian marriage, and someone has the 'man stink'.

The conversation ended when we moved on to the drama at hand: a poor little kitty that is part of Papi's small pet sitting business.  Molly had to be rushed to the vet because her diabetes was out of control and her mom was away for holidays.

It was a great diversion and caring for this little gem took our entire day.  We arrived home late for me; 10:15, and Papi convinced me to watch a movie to spend more time together.  I warned mi esposo that we could have a snoring, drooling wife on our hands, but we settled in anyway.  When the movie was done, I staggered off toward our attic space we now inhabit since the sewage flood.

Then I heard it.

Papi was getting in the shower, cleaning that gorgeous body with my love's favourite scent: Old Spice Body Wash.  Not my essence of choice, but damn well beats 'man stink'.

I glowed.  It was such a loving gesture and I remembered at that moment why I married my sweetheart.  I remembered who it is that I want to spend the rest of my life with.  I remembered how much I am loved and how much Papi expresses this devotion with every chance there is.

I looked around at the safe haven that my love has built for me.  During the sewage flood, we've been reduced to necessity only.  However, Papi grasped pictures of us together before the insurance vultures did.

Papi had strategically placed these visual memories of love in our skeleton of a home not only so we still had some familiarity, but also because my love does indeed find every chance to declare the adoration inside that big mushy heart.

I went to bed feeling loved and safe.

I went to sleep with ease and woke this morning to see the peaceful face of mi esposo.  My love who will do anything to prove our bond is strong.

I couldn't have chosen a better partner to spend my life with.  Through all my tears for the past 6 weeks, every gesture my love makes has said, "I believe we'll make it."

I am starting to believe as well.


  1. Isn't it a wonderful feeling to know that you are loved very much!!

    1. somehow i missed this comment gayle! i miss seeing you here, but i'm so glad you have been around to help me through. xoxo


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