Thursday, January 20, 2011

Time is of the essence.

I'm getting faster at pinpointing the root of emotional turmoil.  I bet once I'm an old fart, I'll be able to figure it out within a breath and deal with it in a blink.  Those who are long in the tooth, who have actually learned the lessons of healing and put it to good use, have peace in their hearts.

I wish I could jump to that place of healing now.

When I look at the last few days, I see that all the anxiety I was feeling was directly from the fear of seeing people outside of my bubble.

However, I also see a fair amount of it is coming from a place within my new brain.  I lose sight sometimes, that I am still recovering from brain injury.  It's a bit of a vicious circle, because the brain injury is why I forget that I forget.

The depth of what's left of brain injury, the part that still needs to heal, reveals itself when I'm nervous, anxious and stressed.  I've been wobbling around for a few days.  When I was getting off the plane, people probably assumed I had indulged in a few of the flight drinks.

Nope.  Still 11 years clean and sober.

Since Papi dropped the bomb about the plans to go through male transformation, being alone in great huge groups (coupled with feeling like I don't know where I'm going or what I'm supposed to do) makes me nervous, anxious and stressed.

At yesterday's meeting, I had a moment to speak to My Secret Holder alone from the group of board members, while we were waiting for the 3rd member to arrive.  It was apparent as that I was having difficulty speaking my words.  They came out diminutive and drowsy.

I felt the need to apologize for my inability to speak the day before due to the extremity of my angst.  I admitted the extent of social anxiety I was encountering, and the lack of trust I'm experiencing.  I just don't know who I can trust with my true feelings about Papi going through the male transformation.

She said that I did well, considering the amount of distress I allowed her to take a glimpse at.  She asked me how I felt I did after being in a room full of people; the root of my fears.

"I didn't do so well.  I cried all the way home."

And the tears jumped up and said, "Hey that's me!"  They thought it would be an appropriate time to make their grand appearance.

I had to pull them back with all my force.  I managed to get them herded into a little pen all their own to hold them off a little while longer.

Wait until it's your turn goddamit!  Just because you hear your name doesn't mean you need to jump up like a kid in a classroom stretching their arm as if to touch the ceiling, blurting out, "Oh! Oh! I know that one!!!"

Right then, in came another member who noticed my struggle to keep them corralled.

Another hug.

Hugs are wonderful, but seriously, when you're on the verge of jumping into the pit of doom, they seem to give that whirling place more strength to suck you in.

Don't speak.

Fortunately, it was time to go in to the meeting and like Papi had advised me, I tried to fake being ok.

Didn't work.

The person heading the meeting said, "There seems to be a very sad, heavy feeling at the table today."

My Secret Holder replied, "There are a few personal issues that we are all dealing with individually."

Enough said.

I just can't fake it.  I became invisible in my chair.  My words were so quiet when they came out, that nobody even heard them.  I chose not to try to speak above the buzz of confidence and stay in my space from that point forward.

Again, when leaving the din, I walked as fast as I could without staggering to my love who was awaiting my arrival.  I got in the vehicle and the bubble nourished my heart.

After the meeting I had to drop off the coat that My Person lent me to be warm in my sister's winter wonderland.

Guess what happened?  I smiled, I posed for pictures in the antarctic coat, I laughed, I spoke, I gave hugs that were filled with love, not tears.

My bubble.

I'm so safe here.  I need to find a way to make this droplet a balloon.  Right now, it's only big enough to hold my heart.  I believe it's time to help it grow to eventually hold my body outright.

This new brain I received after the accident must make more new paths.  I need to make a trail for confidence.  I haven't done that yet.  I only rewired for walking, memory and functioning within the small world I've assembled.

I would like connect the wires to get to that place of healing and confidence as fast as possible.

Heal baby, heal.

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