It was a wonderful day yesterday. A little rough in the evening, but that's kinda what happens sometimes when you're in transition from depression to living your life again.
However, overall it was like I had a normal day. I haven't had one of these days for a month and a half, so my 'normal' seemed out of place. It seemed exciting and new! I was smiling at people I didn't know. When I saw someone smiling like me, I thought, "Did you just crawl out of your hole too?!"
My day included yoga, pretty hair, contact lens, a walk without dogs (had to sneak out very quietly) and I walked an old lady home. She said her name was 'June'. That won't be hard to remember. It's my birthday month.
She was using a crutch on one side and carrying her purse and two grocery bags on the other. Yikes! That's gonna cause some compensation pain. So, I wouldn't allow her to argue that she was fine and walked her home holding her gems for her. She lived further than I did from the store! Sweet, feisty old bird.
My mission to the store was for flowers. Not just any flowers, but our wedding flowers. I got the last ones! I made our living area tidy and clean, and rearranged the mantlepiece to remove X-mas cards we received and place our wedding flowers smack dab in the center, bookended by two of the pictures of us adoring each other's companionship that Papi had salvaged from the flood.
It's going to be perfectly obvious that there has been a change.
Then I waited.
During my time wasted, I puttered some more and made the horrible mistake of going on to my public Facebook page. The social site that screams to me that I'm forgotten about. That site where I had to set up a private page that I now call the 'trust page' of people who I know will be there for me. 15 people who I can say whatever I want to and not be judged. 15 people who I know will return my email, phone call, text or whatever. Sometimes, they reach me by telepathy or instinct.
But there is my public page. This page is shrieking madness. Friends that I've written to in pain asking for help still have not gotten back to me. People that I thought would notice something was up that I couldn't show my face leaving me insincere wall posts of, "Hey haven't heard from you in a while."
Tears came from the pain of realization that some people I thought cared, really don't.
Papi was STILL sleeping from the dreaded graveyard shift. At 8:00 when I couldn't handle the loneliness I had instilled upon myself by going on to a backlit page of deceptive friendship, I finally went up to our barn-like attic, woke my love and said, "I miss you."
My love had taken the weekend off from the 2nd job so that we could spend time together. I got all prettied up in hopes that this would happen. But obviously Papi needed to sleep off the work-a-holic month that has been accomplished.
By 8:00, I'm pretty much starting my dozy-eyed face. I'm no night owl that's for sure. My hopes were that we would spend the evening together and possibly get out of this loony-bin of a house filled with 6 animals, fake floors and a skeleton basement suite.
Nope. Free movie from Shaw instead.
I had done everything I could to show Papi without words that I'm coming around to the love that I won't abandon. Making a house clean so that there would be an awakening to a fresh feeling. Arranging the mantlepiece to give a sign that I'm here, and our marriage is still my whole world.
Papi saw the flowers, "You bought yourself some flowers! Wow it's so tidy in here!"
My reply was, "I bought US flowers." I had hoped Papi would recognize that they were our wedding flower. My favourite flower of all time. A purple, verging on crimson, heavy petal of strength. The African Daisy.
Some call it the Gerber Daisy. But that to me speaks as though it is infantile and weak. I have been brain washed by marketing from the Gerber Baby Food company. The African Daisy suits it so much more because it is such a strong flower.
But Papi didn't notice. I suppose there is a part of my love that really does have manly traits. This made me giggle.
... And accept just a tiny bit more who this amazing person is that I didn't know I married.