Monday, January 31, 2011

You get what you need ...

I see glimpses of the new person in my love.  Tiny little changes that are really coming from the strength within Papi.  A place where the mind's eye is bringing to reality what it sees, because the mind is so powerful, what Papi sees in there is slowly becoming an existence for the world to witness.

My love's vision is becoming an entity, like the caterpillar emerging; the being of beauty with wings to carry their new found freedom up high to a place where they can soar above us mere mortals.

It's a strange phenomenon for me.  I see my love changing, but it's like going from a G4 computer to a G5.  Same programs, just an update and different look.

I realized yesterday, after a quick visit to the coffee shop forum, that I'm writing a blog about love.

Sap alert!!!

Love isn't always easy, but really, it's what life's about.  We need it to get by.

We also need the other end of the pendulum to become killers.  People will slowly commit suicide by way of drugs and alcohol because they have a lack of it in their lives.  Hell, terrorists and religious zealots use the ardor of their god as an excuse for hatred.

Love is all you need.

In the coffee shop yesterday, I read a post of pain.  A feeling that this person will never have the love they search for.  It came out in such a way that seemed as though they'd given up.  I could recognize their anguish.

The need for love I felt as a child carried on through to my teens and into adulthood.  I pretended I didn't need it and stuffed my feeling down becoming the angry addict.  So angry that I was told by friends, "You make it very hard to love you."

Every time I was told this, I felt I'd won.  As if I'd made the choice not to be loved.

I starved myself so my outsides matched my insides.  A boney structure, brittle to the eye in an effort for someone to see my emptiness and show me how to heal.

I made cuts on my arms that would sting, giving me the endorphins I needed, and I placed them with my bones into a tub.  I'd watch the blood slowly seep out of me.  I'd bleed myself in an attempt to force the agony of my lacking heart to be diluted in bath water.

I finally learned the lesson that I had to love myself to fill those gaps of barren pain.  'I' had to be the love I needed in order to pull myself out of that pit of doom that I frequented.

I have furniture down there.  I set up a nice little get away, because I visited so often that I needed it to have a familiar view; home.

Yet, in reality, I'm the hopeless romantic.

I'm the epitome of monogamy. 

Right now, I say to myself, "If this marriage doesn't work out, I will remain single for the rest of my life."  I suppose it's because I feel that I am with my soul mate and I can't imagine ever being with another person.

There are so many betrayers of promises made in a relationship.  There are many non-monogamous people.  There are tons of monogamous people who openly joke about those they'd ask for 'permission to sleep with'.

But not me.

I get tunnel vision.  My focus right now is keeping the love I feel for Papi.  All I want is for this beautiful relationship to continue.

I spent 6 weeks waffling back and forth about whether to stay or go, all the while I was really crying because all I wanted was to stay.  The battle of 'I'll never date an F-M' had to be purged through my tears.

The struggle of fighting for what 'I want' has ceased.  I got the 'never' I said I would 'never' do.

You can't always get what you want.  
But if you try sometimes, you just might find
You get what you need.

-Rolling Stones


Oh, I'm trying alright. 

You get what you need ...

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