Saturday, January 8, 2011

Never say never.

I had another session with yet another counsellor.  This one however, is a woman I've been seeing for over 13 years.  She knows my dirt let me tell you.  She is not a gender specialist like the other two I've spoken to.  Nor has she been in a relationship with someone transitioning like my trauma therapist, but she's so good for me.  This woman has done more for me in my journey than any other.

I had to stop seeing this therapist when I was in my motorcycle accident, as ICBC stated I needed a registered psychologist who they could nab my 'confidential' information from whenever they wanted.

So, I ceased to see my long time guidance.

This therapist has walked me through grief of losing a girlfriend to heroin, getting clean and sober, grief over losing my dog of 11 years (ah Gypsy, I still miss you every day), a nervous breakdown, pain of being dumped and made homeless, friendless and having to start my life over again.

I wasn't allowed to walk with her through my brain injury.  I had a very nice psychologist who it turns out HAS had the experience of being in a relationship where her partner went through gender transformation.  The only part I can't relate to her about in my experience is that I am going to stay in the relationship.  I am choosing to maintain the love I have for Papi.  It's too strong to leave.

The other half of this equation is I am not allowed to spend my sessions speaking about my grief over losing my wife to a transitioning male.  It has to be specifically about my trauma of the accident, PTSD, the lovely flashbacks etc.

I felt I needed to speak to my therapist from years and years gone.  I just needed to download with her. Every life experience I've had, she has pretty much lived through, and if not exactly, pretty damn close.  Even if it's something she's never experienced I have had successful work with her.  She uses humour to call me on my shit.

I stroll in and start to pull out all the answers to her questions, and lo and behold she found a way to make me see things in a different light.

Yet again.  Like the medication decision.

I have had a chemical imbalance since I started out on my venture of pain at the breakable age of 11.  My chemical imbalance started with anorexia and carried on into all kinds of pleasantries for the demons that bound me.

I refused to go on medication, because I had a bad experience with it as a teen.  The first dose they gave me, I was allergic to and had hives from head to toe.  So, here I was, anorexic, depressed and suicidal and looked like I'd been playing with angry wasps.  Not a good look for a teenager who was hanging on to life by a thread.

The next medication they gave me had me so messed up, I tried to commit suicide.  That was enough for me to say, "Never again."

I walked my journey of trying every single thing I could find to heal myself.  I dug through natural methods and hard work.  Everything I tried would give me some relief, but then it would plateau and I'd be left feeling the doom, yet again.

I laboured through St. John's Wort, removing food allergies from my diet, getting clean and sober, acupuncture, countless therapy sessions, ah the list goes on.  Every single thing I did made me stronger and healthier in my imbalance, but there was one missing ingredient.


Nope.  Wasn't going there.  Told my therapist that time and time again.

Then came the nervous breakdown.  My therapist said, "So, you have 2 choices here.  You can either kill yourself, or try an experiment with medication, and you'd rather die than take a little pill?  Your gravestone will read: 'Here lies Andréa.  She won dammit!  She NEVER took a pill'.  You would choose this over medication?"

We both laughed at the ridiculousness of it all.  I tried the experiment.  And I lived.  I started existing in a life I'd be fighting to find the majority of my life.  It finally happened.

I had peace.

In yesterday's session I said, "I made the decision never to have a relationship with someone who would transition.  It's just not what I want, and here I am stuck in love."

She reminded me, "Yes.  Ok.  And this is what you said about medication.  Remember you said you would 'never' go on medication?"

Oh god.  I've been listening to the stubborn teenager again.  How the hell does she sway me to her side all the time?!?!  Jeeeeeeeezus.  She's crafty that one.  I could feel her clinging to me desperately so I would not take that step away from her.  Then I saw her yet again with the pouty face and folded arms across her chest.

Man, she was pissed!  She gave me the death stare that said she is going to hold in everything she still has in her control.  Unfortunately, she doesn't get to hold in that tiny piece of hope that I snagged from her while she wasn't looking.

I can be crafty too.

My mind opened a little bit more to the hope that I can still love Papi even though there will be changes.  I have to let go of the 'never'.  I'm in it.  I'm in love with someone who is transitioning.

I felt it in our sweet goodbye kisses when my love left for work.

I think that I have to never say never again.  It seems that life will give you that 'never' in the blink of an eye.


  1. I'm not sure if my comment went through so I am trying again.

    So glad you are going better. I try not to say Never!

  2. you know, i already knew this rule ... it'll get you every time ... i just needed a reminder


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