Friday, January 28, 2011

Alive and Kicking

My love hijacked my morning routine yesterday.  Sorry if you came for a dose of my lunacy and there was naught.  I didn't get my morning coffee talk with 'you', my imaginary friend.

I got a car ride with my so very tired love who had weathered the grave yard shift, only to be up way past bedtime in order to get a new fluorescent bulb so that I may have a bright kitchen.

Papi, who's heart that is bigger than Canada, drove me around and spoke about the hair that was growing on that already perfect chiny chin chin.

Oh, I did indeed see it.  My love thought I just pretended to look, but I saw it.

Part of my day included going to my goddess of medicine who, like I assumed, would not give me medication for anxiety.  In a way I'm very relieved.  I don't need more chemicals roaming through my already imbalanced noodle.  I'll try some natural options and some good hard work and see where that gets me.

Another part of my day was out gittin' my 'do' did, and it's purrrty.  It's been 2 years since I've seen my hairdresser, so we had a lot of catching up to do.

Everything was new.  This included my new brain, which he got a chuckle out of when it forced it's exposure, my marriage, the sewage flood, us moving to the Dominican Republic in 2 years and (eek!) I spoke about my love's male transformation.

I didn't cry!

As a matter of fact, I didn't even FEEL like crying.  Not so much as one demon forced it's way to ignite that lump in my throat.

I spoke very quietly so that others didn't listen on in.  If they had a boring life and enjoyed the Andréa show, I'd given them enough of my crazy cosmos to be entertained by.

It left me waiting with apprehension.  I assumed the embarrassing water works would start, and they never arrived.

I simply spoke about 'it' and the fact that it was a pain I'd never experienced.  I told him with sincerity about how perplexing it is that I am in agony about the same person who is giving me love and support.  All the while I was dry as the desert.

Then he said something that made me feel like I was in a somewhat normal marriage.  Something that made it sound like a conversation, not just me baring my woes for someone to talk about with their friends.  "Wow, during my day today I had this weirdo in my chair and you'll never guess what ... "

He told me he knew a couple of friends who had been married for 15 years when the woman's husband went through female transformation.  It took her 2 years to decide whether or not she was going to stay with the spouse that she painstakingly watched change into someone else.

She stayed.

I was elated!  I can't even tell you!  I felt like I was going to simply float out of the chair back to my car.

I left with fresh hair and a smile on my face.

After walking 2 blocks closer to my car, I ran into my drummer's oh so very pregnant sister who was out on her lunch break for a walk with the in utero babe.  This is a sweet soul that you can't help adoring.  She asked if I'd seen a friend of our's show on the TV.  I told her I hadn't and that I didn't get the memo because I wasn't on Facebook for a few months.

When she asked why I decided to test my words again.

I did it!  I told 2 people in one day and nothing so much as a crack in my voice emerging.

Yet again, I was awarded with words that made me feel I wasn't alone in this world.  She has a friend who just finished the process of becoming an M-F 6 months ago. 

I didn't feel like the abnormal person that I assumed everyone would think I was for sticking this through.  I even joked a bit about how I saw her; "Hey how are you, I'm going to just drop a bomb on you for you to chew on during your lunch break.  You don't mind do ya?"

We both laughed.

Laughed!  No sorrow, just silly sweetness from another person.

I had such a great day after that.  I made myself treats, not unlike the rewards I would give our 4 cats and 2 dogs for good behavior.

Well, geez.

That only took 3 months to get a big portion of 'me' back.

I'm still alive.

Everything is going to be ok.


  1. so good so good so good SO GOOD!!! baby steps, one day at a time, all that shit, but you're doing it, and you'll keep doing it. this is a VERY great day.

    1. i'm taking much bigger steps now :) no more baby steps :)

    2. and i'm so fucking proud of you!


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