Friday, January 14, 2011

I need my wheel.

I find it interesting that I can speak to some trustful others about certain parts of Papi's male transformation with much more ease than I can to my dear sweet love, who I know damn well would be thrilled to be asked questions.  Hell, I can speak to 'you', my imaginary friend, easier as well.

I definitely have more steps to learn in the dance of communication.

Last night I had a chat with a friend on my Facebook 'trust' page.  I typed until my fingers and wrists were threatening an instant case of carpel tunnel if I didn't give it a rest.

My friend is helping me so much, as he is 4 years ahead in the male transformation and can let me know about the future in a much softer way than my mind will map it out.

Among many things, we spoke about how we jump to worst case scenario in life.  Not just in this capsule of how I terrifyingly see the future of my happily ever after, but over all in life.  'We', as in the majority of the people in this world, have the same reaction to the unknown, and my worst case scenario is not pretty.

To anyone who has never read my blog here, or doesn't know me really well, they would think I'm an optimist.

Oh, the sly trickery that I have mastered.  I'm just one of those people who will 'fake it til you make it'.

Haven't made it yet.

True optimists scare me.  I just don't know how their brain functions and I can't really relate.  I can only pretend to.  I'm your typical chameleon.  I think it has something to do with being a Gemini.

My friend has given me a little more hope.  I now have 2 'Persons' that are making a huge difference in the rewiring of my mind's own level of transphobia.  I have 'My Person' who has given me hope that I can stay in this marriage and love Papi just as much (or hopefully even more) in the future.

Now, I have the other person I didn't even know I needed.

My 'Other Person'.  The person who has walked the path that my love has just fastened one step into.  The person who is not afraid to answer my questions that I'm too scared to ask my love.

I believe I've figured out why it's so hard to ask Papi, and that is because it's just too damn close.  The teenager still has her grip tight in this department.  Even though she's a green around the gills girl, she has learned all to well what happens if you step too close to the fire.  If you stare at it too long, it will jump out and bite you.

Oh, don't get me wrong.  There is communication and every fear, tear and storm has been exposed to my love, but there are definitely no questions.  No curiosity is salvaged for my love, because Papi is too close.

So many times when I'm expressing myself to Papi about my dread etc., I hear, "But 'so & so' is still attractive and doesn't look like the scary monster you're making up.  You still love them."

The same rebuttal comes like a tango we've practised a million times, "Yes, but they're not my wife and they're not sharing my bed."

The one thing I got out of snooping through the 'Other Person's' realm last night, is that it has been confirmed yet again, that this is going to be a very long slow process.

What I realized through our tippity-tappity, plastic key conversation last night, is that even though Papi and I are on parallel paths, albeit different, we are both going to mature together in this ripening of our fruit.

Papi will change physically, I will change emotionally/psychologically.

Evolution took a long time to bring us humans to where we are today.

I still have to reinvent the wheel.


  1. sweetheart,
    last night was my honour! and this, this blog post, i am humbled. thank you. and you, you deserve it all. whatever "it" may happen to be, you deserve it! and i will answer any question, any time. know that.
    love you bigA


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