The effortless way my love speaks about 'it' is a load very difficult for my weak legs to carry. For my fragile temperament, it's so wearisome to get the words about 'it' through my mouth. I have to choose each syllable with caution.
Our family doctor called on a Sunday night to speak about a letter. She's writing a letter to MSP so that my love will be funded for the transition. It's a bit odd for a doctor to be calling on a Sunday, so I really had no idea who Papi was speaking to, but the entire conversation was about 'it'.
I sat suspended on the couch playing Freecell, my new obsession to keep me from letting my mind wander into dark places.
Just move those cards to a safer place on the board.
When my love got off the phone, there was an obvious cloud poised above me. Papi identified it and began to wade through the haze in an effort to move the silence that could possibly have put my toes on the edge of the hole I so recently escaped.
There's a better place to put the King of Hearts.
My love intuitively asked questions where all I had to do was nod. I can nod. I can shake my head in a silent 'no'.
The questions came so that my love finally got to the crux of the tentative distress.
"Is it because the process is starting now? Is that what has you scared?"
I actually spoke a squeak of a word, "Yes."
That damn teenager poked her head out again with the pouty lip. Goddam! When will she just give it a rest!?!?
Yes. The letter means that Papi will be taking another step towards an obvious happiness that keeps me in obvious grief.
"It's so hard to see you so upset about something that makes me so happy."
My confute: "It's so hard to see you so happy about something that makes me so upset. I feel guilt."
In honesty, Papi replied, "I feel guilty too."
How is it two people who love each other so much can be so far apart? It just makes no sense.
My love reminded me that the process won't be starting for quite a few months even though the letter is being written in present day.
The conversation came back full circle to the root of all my fears; "T".
So I had to know, why then, did my love have to start on this hormone that terrifies me in such a grandiose way?
I was told it's because it takes a long time for it to start working.
Then Papi told me there was an appointment today that will be all about 'it' and did I want to join in so that if I have questions I can be a part of this leg of the journey?
Hell no!!!!! I don't need a repeat of trauma I had at the surgeon's office that fateful day that toppled me miles further into my tomb of doom.
No. I will pass. I will continue to work on this, but I won't disturb the small part of happiness I just fought to sustain.
No. I've learned my lesson in pushing my boundaries in this one.
Oh my love. I'm trying so hard. When will you and I be on the same path? When will this fence between us be disassembled?
Oh my love. I have so much work to do.