Monday, December 19, 2011

Where's MY fucking 'peace on earth'!?

Depression and suicidal idealism.

Anger and frustration.

Fear and worry.

Anxiety and panic attacks.

All of the above help create a terrifying body image when this eating disordered, injured brain looks in the mirror.

time for demons to play that game of, 'hey! if you got no food you'll get thinner!

It's that 'special time' of the year when my demons come out to play.

I had a really good run there!  I thought I'd make it through this season without any of the above.

But hey!  Only 2 more weeks and this year is over.

I usually get all these symptoms the moment the sun lays low, however they really didn't erupt until yesterday.

Yesterday I realized that I only have a few days of pain killers left, and no money to restock my shelf.  Goddamit!  It's going to hurt.

I also realized that the cat's food is running out and we need to get more, and don't really have the funds to do so.

Here we are.  2 people off work and not a penny coming in.  It's getting stressful, even though I rationalize with myself that we have food and shelter.

Papi has a cat to care for today and we'll be getting money for the kitties food.

Normally, I can hold on and relax with the truth of:

Everything always works out.  Everything.

But, somehow this day has kicked me in the ass and my demons are pulling me into the Pit of Doom.

It really could have something to do with the fact that Papi was in emergency, yet again yesterday, or it could have something to do with the fact that I'm responsible for taking care of every little aspect of the life of 2 people, because my love is down for the count.

It really was not a nice drive today to feed a cat for Papi, when I intentionally didn't wear my seatbelt in hopes that a semi-trailer would just come barreling around the corner and take me out.

For those of us who are chemically imbalanced, sometimes death seems like such a great rest from life's terms of survival.

I tried to be pro-active and call the person responsible for my financial health right now, only to be greeted by a Dragon Lady who spit out, "I have your case right here on my desk, but I'm not making any promises."

That was in response to my plea of, "Do you have any idea when I'll receive income?  I haven't had any for a month."

That was when I toppled, and my 'I can't believe I've made it this far without my Xmas depression' left me without optimism, taking on every stress available.

It's hit.

It really was a good run there, but now I just want to hide from the messy house, the lack of cat food, my ever piling 'todo' list et al.

It doesn't help that I can smell dog shit somewhere, but don't really want to look at the bottom of my shoe, or the pads of the dogs' feet, because it just means there's more for me to do.

Yeah, it's hit, and it hurts.

2 more weeks and this horrid 'special time' of the year will be over, and hopefully all will be restored with hope.

I am thinking and feeling for every person out there who is also waiting for this 'special time' to end.

Oh, how I know what you're feeling.

I hope you find peace today, as much as I hope I will as well.


14 comments:

  1. What really sucks is how much pressure the holidays leave people with BE HAPPY, after all it's CHRISTMAS. I hope the stressful time passes swiftly for you.

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  2. I am not afraid to say I hate Christmas or the holidays or whatever new politically correct name is in at the moment.
    I have a family that every years agrees not to give gifts or over do food, and for the past 20 years has gone back on that promise.
    It is a time when all our utility bills come at the same time.
    It is a bad time for my mind because when I was a kid it always was time for a huge argument between my parents, as a matter of a fact that still happens.
    I live in a beach side town that in season the population more than doubles, so we work our arse off for a month straight 7 days a week, and its stinking hot !!
    And I am sure that there are other reasons too, far too many to list, so Andrea I sort of know how you feel, esp not having enough money part.
    But look on the bright side we may have to eat the cat food for Xmas dinner and that will upset our feline monsters... but it will be over soon...laughs

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  3. Oh Drea...this time of year is tough, no doubt about it...I find I'm really really homesick this year, I hate living so far away, and each Christmas card that arrives in the mail just makes it worse...deep breaths, it'll be over soon...miss you...Fiona xoxo

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  4. This "wonderful time of the year" needs to freaking end already. :P

    What resonated with me was when you said, "Everything always works out. Everything." It's true and I wish everything would just work out as quickly as is [the shit] arrived!

    You'll be ok and knowing that you're blogging and I have this site to come to and remember that I'm not alone in the journey of MY transman, well, you give me hope! :) ....Is that a meaning of Christmas, huh, huh :P

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  5. @bio, thank you for the hugs

    @jamie, yeah ... peace on earth? last time i checked that was a 'no'.

    @stella, 'whatever new politically correct name is in at the moment'. that fucking cracked me up. thank you, i needed that.

    @fiona, i'm sorry you're feeling that way. i can't relate, b/c i'm in my hometown lol! but i do know that i'm homesick for the home i will have that will heal my bones xoxo

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  6. @weight, yeah our 'special time' can fuck off now, but we gotta wait that 2 weeks ... i'm so damn happy to hear from you right about now.

    and yeah ... everything does work out. it's what i always tell everyone, b/c it does. now if i could just get that part of my brain to override the part that keeps saying to just lie down and take the beating would shut up.

    damn. don't know if that even made sense. ugh.

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  7. Here's to a quick end to the "season". And love sent your way to bear through it strong!

    Also, hi Stell, I haven't seen your pretty face in a long time. I sure hope you're well.

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  8. jez, i've decided to keep as busy as possible for the next 2 weeks and have it fly by asap!

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  9. I agree christmas is a bad time of year for me also. It seems like bad/sad things happen around this holiday and so i am in tears from that and old memories of past christmases.

    anyway hugs from me to you and best wishes too. ♥

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  10. Same here Big A! I wish I could sleep it away...

    Alex, I'm sending you SO much love! <3 I wish I could send you all a present this year! But I"ll just have to settle for sending you all love.

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  11. alex & jez, we are kindred souls. we are the fragile silk when the iron strikes.

    but we are also the hearts that feel everything, which includes love.

    i love you guys xo

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  12. Well it's close to 1:00 AM here and I just said goodbye to the officer who took the report for my truck window that was just busted out. I guess that was an early Xmas gift from some unknown well wisher. Merry F'ing Xmas everyone! I'm glad I'm not the only one who hates this holiday!

    Lots of hugs Andrea!

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  13. twister, the greatest thing about this 'special time' is that i've had a visit from you xo

    please come by more often, or better yet, write me an email so i can send you more love <3

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