Where's MY fucking 'peace on earth'!?

Depression and suicidal idealism.

Anger and frustration.

Fear and worry.

Anxiety and panic attacks.

All of the above help create a terrifying body image when this eating disordered, injured brain looks in the mirror.

time for demons to play that game of, 'hey! if you got no food you'll get thinner!

It's that 'special time' of the year when my demons come out to play.

I had a really good run there!  I thought I'd make it through this season without any of the above.

But hey!  Only 2 more weeks and this year is over.

I usually get all these symptoms the moment the sun lays low, however they really didn't erupt until yesterday.

Yesterday I realized that I only have a few days of pain killers left, and no money to restock my shelf.  Goddamit!  It's going to hurt.

I also realized that the cat's food is running out and we need to get more, and don't really have the funds to do so.

Here we are.  2 people off work and not a penny coming in.  It's getting stressful, even though I rationalize with myself that we have food and shelter.

Papi has a cat to care for today and we'll be getting money for the kitties food.

Normally, I can hold on and relax with the truth of:

Everything always works out.  Everything.

But, somehow this day has kicked me in the ass and my demons are pulling me into the Pit of Doom.

It really could have something to do with the fact that Papi was in emergency, yet again yesterday, or it could have something to do with the fact that I'm responsible for taking care of every little aspect of the life of 2 people, because my love is down for the count.

It really was not a nice drive today to feed a cat for Papi, when I intentionally didn't wear my seatbelt in hopes that a semi-trailer would just come barreling around the corner and take me out.

For those of us who are chemically imbalanced, sometimes death seems like such a great rest from life's terms of survival.

I tried to be pro-active and call the person responsible for my financial health right now, only to be greeted by a Dragon Lady who spit out, "I have your case right here on my desk, but I'm not making any promises."

That was in response to my plea of, "Do you have any idea when I'll receive income?  I haven't had any for a month."

That was when I toppled, and my 'I can't believe I've made it this far without my Xmas depression' left me without optimism, taking on every stress available.

It's hit.

It really was a good run there, but now I just want to hide from the messy house, the lack of cat food, my ever piling 'todo' list et al.

It doesn't help that I can smell dog shit somewhere, but don't really want to look at the bottom of my shoe, or the pads of the dogs' feet, because it just means there's more for me to do.

Yeah, it's hit, and it hurts.

2 more weeks and this horrid 'special time' of the year will be over, and hopefully all will be restored with hope.

I am thinking and feeling for every person out there who is also waiting for this 'special time' to end.

Oh, how I know what you're feeling.

I hope you find peace today, as much as I hope I will as well.