Friday, December 2, 2011

i yam what i yam

The funniest part about me asking Papi if he is gay, is that he's now backtracking everything he says in terms of the topic.

"I'm just saying I find them attractive, but it's not that I'm gay."

That is just one of the examples.

My love doesn't understand how much I trust him.

If he tells me he's not gay, then I believe him.

However, methinks thou dost protest a tad too much.

hmmmm ... maybe my love needs another panicked wake up to me hovering over him in bed, after accidentally taking too much medicinal cannabis crack butter, and bark out ridiculous questions ... that would be fun ...

But you see, I'm not even asking Papi anything about it.

He'll be speaking sweetly about someone who he admires and out will blurt, "But I'm not gay!"

It's a bit like a game now.

Last night, we were discussing My Boifriend.

He claims to be gay, but is now in full throws of love with a woman.

That doesn't make any sense with the statement that he's gay.

When it comes to being transsexual, it's really only a one sided sexual preference term anyway.

Seriously.

If Papi is now in the 'man zone', and he loves me, outsiders would consider him straight.

But I'm not straight, and I don't consider myself so.

I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm always going to be who I am, and nothing that Papi has done to his body and chemistry has made me change into someone I don't want to be.

I am a butch loving lesbian.

I have been so since I was a teen.  I've been so since that time that I couldn't really understand the feelings that I was having about the girls on sports teams.

Hott!!

I'd watch them be masculine in their own way.  They didn't know the feelings I had about them being butchy with their basketballs and soccer balls.

good god ... that was wayyyyy too many balls in one sentence ...

The ones I thought were sexy turned out to be straight anyway.  It was only the idea of them being butch that I was attracted to, but I honestly didn't even know what I was feeling back then!

I'd see bull dykes on the bus and wonder why I was getting so hot and bothered.

I thought these emotions were because I wanted to be like them, but this femme could never be butch.

As much as I'm more like a tomboy in every day life, I like playing dress up too much.

I like to sashay my way through a crowd of dykes, in my best ass outfits, in hopes that the butchiest of the butches will notice my overly round booty and appreciate it.

Yes.

I'm a true femme.

And just because I still love mi esposo despite the changes that are taking place does not make me any different than I was when I fell in love with the world's most perfect butch.

Well, I do have to admit, I think a bit differently since the bomb was dropped last year.  I'm growing, learning and accepting so much more about this male transformation.

I guess I'm the lucky one.

I got the last tidbits of the world's most perfect butch.

'She's' all mine.

I see her light in the twinkle of love in mi esposo's eyes.

Nobody will ever take that away from me.


6 comments:

  1. You and Papi are a great couple no matter how either of you "identify". Very cool blog here Andrea :)

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  2. :) thank you for being here greg xoxo

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  3. isn't it bio?!

    so damn complex.

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  4. Hey Andrea
    This is what I have been wanting to hear, ever since the start of your journey, what a beautiful post...tis so true that you are def not a "normal" couple in any sense, but hey you would not want to be...it might not be what you wanted for your life with tu esposo but it happened, so now you are in a very rare group, with this love you have for each other you can make this work, I just know you can...stats phfft...who cares...you are you and he is he Easton thats a cool name...both members of a rare, unique and loving collaboration.
    So glad you seem to be getting or feeling better everyday.
    I often think of you and wonder how you are going...I have been busy tired and sick, but finally I got round to reading yr blog again, sometimes it was hard for me to read as I took a lot of what you say onboard if you know what I mean.
    I just sent you a friend request on the dreaded facebook lol, and can totally understand if you don't want to know about it he he...I use it to play bingo and keep in touch with our kids.
    I love love love your new songs and have watched all the utube stuff and listened to the rest, you have real talent so please don't let it slide you are heading for big things...well you should be, and I hope you are
    Take Care lots of Love Stell or Stacey

    PS: I know you like heat so if you ever get to Aussie I have a cabin on my land 2 mins from some of the best beaches you could wish for, you are both most welcome if you should ever pass this way, and I truly mean it

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  5. aw stell ... thank you so much ... it's great to hear from you again sweety!

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