I understand so much now.

I suppose if she's allowed to assume for me, then I'm allowed to assume for her.

Especially since she won't talk to me about it, so here's my assumption.

The way our friendship was severed was not like any 'little' friend's spat.  It was more like, "That's it!  I've had it!  That was the last straw!!!"

Even though I didn't know there were any straws being pulled.

I'm pretty sure by going back over all the emotional belting I received, that it's all about resentment.  It usually is.

Here's my take on it:

I was so gung-ho before my motorcycle accident.  As one person said, "Andréa will never give up.  She'll just keep going until she succeeds."

I used to work so hard that people would tell me I was going to give myself a heart attack.

Then the accident came, and to find the energy just to get out of the chair was a day long task.

To walk to the bathroom and back took all my strength and I had to sleep for 4 hours afterward just to recuperate.

Hence, I am not the same person I used to be.  I don't overwork myself, because I can't.

I don't have the strength, energy or brain power.  These things happen when you have lived through brain injury.

Problem is, she saw me so enthusiastic about music before, and now I'm much more lackadaisical about it.

I don't really have a choice.  That aggressively dedicated girl was taken from us in the accident.  I've had to say goodbye to her.

Only problem is, if you're not living in my body/mind, you could never understand, because to everyone else, it seems she's still here.

I look the same.  I don't look like I'm disabled, yet, I am.

She wanted me to have the same passion as I did with HECTOR, however, I didn't have that girl to call upon with BlueLight.

Therefore, the majority of the work fell on her lap.

I couldn't possibly do everything she did.

Just to find the energy to get to my computer is impossible when my bitch of a back is nagging at me.  I just hide and berate myself for not doing anything.

She did everything and furthermore, spent everything by creating her own record company, now that I'm on disability.

I can see where the resentment came from.

She can't see that I'm not the same, so she assumed that I'm just not into it.  Confirmation came with her words, "I always knew you weren't into this as much as me, and now this proves it."

She decided for me that I quit the project because I sold a few items.  It's not about the items, it's not about me moving, it's the fact that she'd had enough of being the head honcho trying to lead around a horse and cart with a carrot.

She'd had enough, and now our friendship is over.  It's killing me, but I'm getting closer to letting it go.

There's nothing I can do about our friendship, that decision was up to her.

And on that note, I'd like to purge a bit of HECTOR.  If you'd like a free cd, I have a few, just check out the HECTOR fan page and it will tell you how to get them.

I can't bring them with me to the Dominican Republic.  I can only bring a few and leave the rest in storage with my baby sister.

I can't rock out for HECTOR anymore, because I can't stand and hold my bass, so in essence, I have actually given up on that project.  It's all for licensing now.

I can't send you any free BlueLight, because I'm not the owner of it.  You'll still have to pay for those ones, but I'd do it soon, because it looks like it's only a collector's item now, and besides, I'd love for her to recoup the money she spent on it.

Anyway, I've had time to think about it and I completely understand her side, not that it makes it any easier.

It makes me angry at the person who hit me on my motorcycle all the more for changing my life.

i am loving and accepting of myself just as i am