Thursday, February 2, 2012

dying.

I'm pretty sure I'm on my death bed!

I haven't been able to keep a meal down for 5 days.

For the past 2 nights, I've only had 2 hours sleep each.  The two nights before that, only 4 hours each.

Medication withdrawal is seriously killing me.

So.

I haven't eaten or slept, can't keep food or water down.

How the hell am I still breathing?!?!?

I had to go to another assessment for my bitch of a back today.

He took my blood pressure and couldn't find my pulse.

Again.

I'm pretty sure I'm dead.

I'll let you know tomorrow if I've confirmed this.  I'm still collecting data on the subject.

In the meantime, here's your daily mantra if you're joining along with me.

happiness is not something ready made.  it comes from your own actions ~ Dalai Lama

19 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. thank you ... another 5 days and i should be out of the woods. this ... is suffering.

      pharmacetucials are evil.

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  2. Stumbled across your blog recently. I love it. You are an inspiration. I hope you feel better soon, and yes pharmaceuticals are evil. Don't take them if you don't have to. I was having a hard time last fall and was convinced by a friend to ask my doctor for a mild anti-depressent. What a mistake that was. I quit cold turkey after 55 days. Thank goodness I was only on a half dose. I felt like a zombie the whole time and I slept late every day. It hampered my ability to look for work. You have been through so much and you are so strong. Your love for Papi is heart warming. I think you two will be together for a long time. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks and I think you will eventually get used to the lack of soft pillows on Papi's chest. Your love for Papi will overcome all.

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    1. I like you Anonymous :-) You Rock!

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    2. :) anonymous, welcome to my world ... thank you for your sweet words xoxo

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    3. Thank you Easton! Andrea - you are very welcome. I look forward to reading more of your posts. Just so you know I am heterosexual. Not all of us are narrow minded and judgemental against those whose sexual orientation is different. The world would be a very boring place if we were all the same.

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    4. you're the kind of good people that make life better. thank you

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  3. Aww, Andrea, we're all dying, but it's too soon for you to go so please don't! Hope you feel better soon. My thoughts are with you. :) x

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    1. thanx vee ... i managed to hold in some crackers!!! woohoo!

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    2. That's great and may you hold in many more. :) xx

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    3. and ginger ale lol! it took me an entire day to sip one can of it lol!

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  4. oh wow, I hope you feel better now ♥

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    1. thank you alex ... i'm sure it's up from here ...

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  5. I am several days late and trying to catch up. Are you okay A?

    I so wish for the day when there is no pain at all or should there be any, so little that you can actually laugh at it till it shrinks in humiliation.

    Please get well. Soon.

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    1. i now have a kinesiologist to help me start strengthening to be employable.

      i really hope i can get back to no pain killers again. when i get down to a level 3 or 4 pain, i can forgo the drugs.

      i hope i can get there again.

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  6. Hola Chica!

    I couldn't help but read this and know exactly what you're talking about here. On so many levels. Quite often I don't show up on routine medical tests, like Electro Cardia Grams. Nope, not an erg of come hither. Just another dead girl, laughing, talking, walking around. Don't know why, it just is.

    Years ago when I got unceremoniously launched in the air and came down on my head and had my back twist around my in unnatural positions when I regained something like awareness much, much later, many miles from where the truck hit me and crunched up my bike, I was in major pain. They tried giving me all sorts of stuff that should have left me high as a kite. Except it didn't. They couldn't even find traces of it in my blood. Which really didn't do much for my pain level. Seemed as fast as they got it in me, my body was filtering it out and dumping it. Even Morphine went in via IV and came out nearly as fast. Doctor joked about my catheter bag having a major street value because of all the drugs in it. Ewww, gross Doc.

    Then of course the long road of healing. Back hated me, was always in pain, head didn't work right. You know that kind of stuff.

    So I had to learn to withdraw from pain. Not pain meds, just raw pain. Loverly.

    I wish I didn't have to say this, but over all, Doctors are more clueless than not. It's sad really.

    Case in point, insomnia. They are so obsessed with Apnea, they cannot, will not see that there might be OTHER reasons for not being about to sleep. Doctor has been on my back for another sleep study. Years ago, tried one of those, I finally got to sleep and all the machines quit at once, said I was dead - again. They came in, woke me up, fiddle farted around to make sure all the machine were working. I finally got to sleep and it happened again. Mind you the closest I come to even snoring is this odd little purring noise my nose will make after I've been crying.

    I've got one up on my doctor this time. When I see her next month, I'm going to drop a stack of paper on her. Turns out my wonderful smart phone is more like a Star Trek Tricorder than even I'd imagined. Every night for the last three months I've had it in bed with me functioning as a medical tricorder. Every noise, twitch, breath I take and more is recorded. I didn't sleep with the heart rate strap on because that was pointless, but I could have. Anyway, three MONTHS of sleep studies for her to wrap her mind around. Showing that I don't sleep because of pain and not being able to sleep because this brain doesn't quite work right. So I'm going to call her expensive (here in the states) one night 21st century sleep study a waste of money and time and raise her 90 days of 24th century sleep studies. So there.

    Do I think it's going to get me anywhere? Doubtful. Because then we're going to be right back to well, "we don't know what to do because you're not" ... "well, um, normal?"

    You're so not alone... If I had a nickle every time I'd died or was dying, well we'd both be rich! Hang in there, it has to get better one day, and who knows, maybe our doctors will catch a clue...

    I hope you take more steps forward and toward healing than you do back!

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    1. thank you for relating samantha! i now know you know as well. i'm trying so hard to manage ... but i may have to go back on the pain killers :(

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  7. Holy Hannah, it even worked!!! I finally got to post a comment instead of sending you email. Amazing.

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    1. hip hip hooray!!! my samantha has finally gotten through! so nice to hear from you btw.

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