Sunday, February 12, 2012

Putting my fears to bed.

It's amazing how much fun I had last night.

All those fears?


Had washes of stomach pains from anxiety right up until I got in the hot tub.


It was a swimming event.

But I don't swim.

I float.

Anyway, the hot tub with great friends made it quite easy for me to ignore the haters, and they just ignored me.

Even Papi loosened up when he saw others with the exact same scars.  It was like we just fell into a magic pool filled with confidence and love.

My Boifriend and the sweetest M-F sillier than me, pushed myself and 4 fun loving strangers around in a floaty canoe!

I went down the kiddy slide!

I hung from a rope about a foot over water and slid right in!

Yeah, it might not have been the best idea for this bitch of a back, but it sure made me smile and have the greatest time in a while.

What I realized last night, is that I leave too long between social gatherings, so that the next time I actually have to go out, I think the worst, because I forget the best.

This has to stop.  Somehow, I have to assure that scarred little girl that she's not in that time when people would tease her about her hair.

When kids would literally stop and point; one I remember yelling at the same time, "What the fuck was that?"

I wasn't like all the other kids.  And it wasn't just my Honky 'Fro.  It was also my personality.

My mind was always thinking about my piano.  My piano was my first love.

That little girl who's different had to go to an event for her own good.

There weren't mirrors all over the place.

There was one wall of them and Papi caught me before I sneaked a peak to make a negative moment come to light.  "You look beautiful, my love.  You don't need to look."

Papi may have caught me before I did damage there, but the fear of walking out into a pool as the only femme in a bikini had me literally shaking.

Just like the good old days of starting at a new school every year, she felt so out of place.

That was of course, until she saw the M-F in a full length dress, tights and padded bra slide into the water.

She did all kinds of fancy falls from that massive rope.

And you know what?  Nobody pointed or stared at my body.

It's the fear of the unknown that gets me.

The little girl who has been a little more affected than most by the potential of people's evilness had the best time last night.

She got to shine in love.

I'm so glad I made her go.

Who knows?  Maybe by the time I'm 80 she'll relax a little and realize that there's more love out there than there is fear.

Stranger things have happened in my growth this year.

there is nothing to hold me back except myself


  1. wow I cry sometimes when I read your fears then SMILE so big when you face them. I know how hard it is to be brave but we have to do it :) Glad you had fun ♥

    1. bravery has so many perks :) like happiness. love you sweety xo

  2. sillier than you ? that makes me feel strangely proud :)

    i'm glad you had a good time ... i did too :)

    1. :) gwenneth, you made my night ... i hope there's more fun to be had out together xo


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