Thursday, April 19, 2012

Am I Evil?

There's a lot of death talk around me.

I haven't experienced grief the way others have, and I wonder if I'm a callous person, because I haven't cried for anyone who has died.

When a friend in high school died, I didn't cry, I just felt sad for the way he died.

One of my closest friends lost her son, and I cried for her pain.

I can't handle seeing people who are living in pain.  It's almost like I feel their pain myself.

If you're around me long enough, you'll see that I want to heal everybody.

I can't help anyone who isn't ready to help themselves, but I'll try to steer people the right way so they can find the path on their own.

Anyway, back to death.

I haven't grieved over anyone, except my Dearly Departed Gypsy.

My fuzzy, four legged baby leaving me was enough to put me into the full throws of a nervous breakdown.

It was at that point that I finally got on anti-depressants.  Gypsy was really the only thing I felt I had left to live for, and when she was gone, I thought I'd leave too.

Well, I was saved and here I am, and I can now see that I have so much to live for, that I don't want to leave this life.

I have grieved over an ex who was addicted to heroin, and I had to watch her slowly die in front of me.  Then when I left, I grieved for 2 years over the loss of my relationship.

I spent a year grieving over the loss of my 'wife' to a male being that Papi felt he always was.

But still, I've never grieved over the death of a human.  I'm so disconnected from people because of my fear of them, that I tend not to let them in completely.

You would never know it by reading my blog, however.

Thing is, here, when I'm writing to 'you', my imaginary friend, I can talk about anything.  But getting these words out of my mouth is another story.

Unless I'm in therapy, then you can't shut me up.

I've learned that once that door closes, the stage is mine and I'm safe to let it all out.

Yet, I've never talked about death.

I honestly believe that the only people I would ever cry with grief over, would be my baby sister and Papi.

When I console the living people who are left behind, I feel so hypocritical.

When friends have a loss of a parent, and they talk about how much it hurts and that they miss them nonstop, I tend to shy away from them, because I just don't understand how anyone could be so close to a parent.

I just don't know what to say.  I've never experienced that relationship.

Now, Papi and another friend are going to grief therapy and I just don't understand why it's so hard.

Is there something wrong with me?!?!?!

If my father died, I wouldn't grieve, I would feel guilt.

... that's another blob/blab novel ...

If my mother died, I'd feel sad for my baby sister grieving, but I wouldn't experience the same feelings.

Who knows, I'd probably feel guilt there too.

I know it's not my fault.  I was brought up catholic and I feel guilt just for being on this planet for fucks sakes!!!  Ah those catholics.  So positive and uplifting sometimes.

... end sarcasm here ...

Anyway, this is something that bothers me; I have a disconnect from actually allowing people into my heart, to the point that I don't even cry over the loss.

It's so fucked up.

Am I evil?!?

I sure feel like I am.

perception is reality


  1. I playfully call you soft arse!!
    which means don't be daft you are perfectly normal,we all protect our hearts to some extent you know the grieving you did for a lost relationship or the loss of your wife its the same thing only with death you feel it a little deeper, I have felt both and the grief you feel is for a loss, sometimes you cry for yourself and sometimes you cry for others, not crying does not make you evil, anyway evil people don't ask themselves if they are evil they just are!
    The most difficult phase in life is not when no one understands you, it's when you don't understand yourself!x

    1. oh i'm definitely an arse. born that way lol! thank you for explaining that it's the same only deeper.

      thank you for reminding me that i'm not evil.

      thank you for reminding me that i'm searching for myself.


  2. I agree with Kiki, she says it so well.

    hugs ♥

    1. yeah alex, she did ... but your agreeing makes it even more true xoxo

  3. The thing is, the fact that you're questioning it, indicates that you are not evil. Not crying doesn't mean anything, just like crying doesn't mean anything. Some of the meanest people I ever met were SUPER sensitive and cried at everything. Fuck it.

    1. i guess i just cried so easy in the past about EVERYTHING!! so i'm just confused as to why i don't cry about death.

      i love my friends so much, and i get hurt when they have to move on in life, but it seems like i care so much more about animals lol!

      i can watch people blown up and maimed, but even HEARING about an animal hurt i lose it!

      anyway, thanx for your confirmation that i'm ok :)

  4. I know I said I wasn't going to be leaving comments.
    Good fucking job too, because I got confused and was actually reading in the wrong direction as I was clicking through the archives as well as "previous/next post" so I kinda went round in a circle - if that makes sense. Read about 10 posts and then I was thinking I was sure I'd read some of them before.
    Because I had.

    But anyway, on reading this. You should look up 'attachment theory' it's causes and in particular how it relates to loss.
    I think that might be your answer.
    Knowledge being power and all that :)

    1. sweety, you can leave comments as much as you want to. it's always nice to see you pop up here. i miss you!!!

      i think you mentioned the 'attachment theory' before! i have to write this down now and remember to look into it :) thank you sweety xoxo


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