Am I Evil?

There's a lot of death talk around me.

I haven't experienced grief the way others have, and I wonder if I'm a callous person, because I haven't cried for anyone who has died.

When a friend in high school died, I didn't cry, I just felt sad for the way he died.

One of my closest friends lost her son, and I cried for her pain.

I can't handle seeing people who are living in pain.  It's almost like I feel their pain myself.

If you're around me long enough, you'll see that I want to heal everybody.

I can't help anyone who isn't ready to help themselves, but I'll try to steer people the right way so they can find the path on their own.

Anyway, back to death.

I haven't grieved over anyone, except my Dearly Departed Gypsy.

My fuzzy, four legged baby leaving me was enough to put me into the full throws of a nervous breakdown.

It was at that point that I finally got on anti-depressants.  Gypsy was really the only thing I felt I had left to live for, and when she was gone, I thought I'd leave too.

Well, I was saved and here I am, and I can now see that I have so much to live for, that I don't want to leave this life.

I have grieved over an ex who was addicted to heroin, and I had to watch her slowly die in front of me.  Then when I left, I grieved for 2 years over the loss of my relationship.

I spent a year grieving over the loss of my 'wife' to a male being that Papi felt he always was.

But still, I've never grieved over the death of a human.  I'm so disconnected from people because of my fear of them, that I tend not to let them in completely.

You would never know it by reading my blog, however.

Thing is, here, when I'm writing to 'you', my imaginary friend, I can talk about anything.  But getting these words out of my mouth is another story.

Unless I'm in therapy, then you can't shut me up.

I've learned that once that door closes, the stage is mine and I'm safe to let it all out.

Yet, I've never talked about death.

I honestly believe that the only people I would ever cry with grief over, would be my baby sister and Papi.

When I console the living people who are left behind, I feel so hypocritical.

When friends have a loss of a parent, and they talk about how much it hurts and that they miss them nonstop, I tend to shy away from them, because I just don't understand how anyone could be so close to a parent.

I just don't know what to say.  I've never experienced that relationship.

Now, Papi and another friend are going to grief therapy and I just don't understand why it's so hard.

Is there something wrong with me?!?!?!

If my father died, I wouldn't grieve, I would feel guilt.

... that's another blob/blab novel ...

If my mother died, I'd feel sad for my baby sister grieving, but I wouldn't experience the same feelings.

Who knows, I'd probably feel guilt there too.

I know it's not my fault.  I was brought up catholic and I feel guilt just for being on this planet for fucks sakes!!!  Ah those catholics.  So positive and uplifting sometimes.

... end sarcasm here ...

Anyway, this is something that bothers me; I have a disconnect from actually allowing people into my heart, to the point that I don't even cry over the loss.

It's so fucked up.

Am I evil?!?

I sure feel like I am.

perception is reality