Sunday, April 8, 2012

Crying Sucks.

Sometimes, it really hurts.

Basically, my mother has chosen her husband over her daughter.

Can't blame her.

She's had such a rough upbringing being beaten by nuns and living with certain dysfunctional family members could really screw someone up.

Then being knocked up by my deadbeat dad would've given her more issues.

So, she met Mr. Homophobia and they're living happily ever after.

She's not even so much as allowed to speak her dirty disgusting dyke daughter's name, or the man of the house who rules the roost will start a fight with her.

She can only see me when she has managed to get out of the house without him knowing she's coming to see me.

So, I don't really have a relationship with my mother.

But it still really hurts when I see my baby sister talking about going to her house for dinner tonight.

I should know better than to be hurt by it.

If I allow this to affect me each and every time, I'll only be harming myself.

I get to go to Swiss Chalet with the most wonderful spouse there ever was, and a crazy old bird who will make it quite interesting.

Why the hell would I even want to be over there with Mr. Homophobia?!?!?!

My love doesn't hold grudges like I do.

... yup. another one of my shortcomings that i have to deal with ...

However, my love would never disown his own daughter because his spouse told him to.

Good god!

It just happens everywhere to me!

In my 'community', within my friends, in my family life and even strangers who believe the lies all of the above say about me.

I'm lovely goddamit!

Why do I get ousted all over the fucking place!!!!!!!

No fucking wonder I want to run off to some 3rd world country and start new.

I would rather be with goats.

Knowing my luck I'll get the only fucking goats that know how to judge me as well.

So, while I sip my coffee, hoping that my artificial happiness will stop my tears from burning my skin, I have to remember that my life is what it is.

Never ending extremism.

Either really, really good, or really really painful.

It's been like this since I was a kid.  I should be used to it by now!!!!!

But I'm not.

My sperm donor left me with abandonment issues that are still harming me today.

I see that this pattern of being banished from various groups and people really needs to be looked at.

In life, when we have something to work on, life passes it to us non-stop until we learn how to deal with it.

Any fucking suggestions on how to deal with constantly and consistently being ostracized and banished?

I have started my Victim Support Counselling.  I hope that in the 6 months they allow me my counsellor, that I can deal with as much as possible.

However, I'm really only supposed to be dealing specifically on the sexual abuse of the hands of bio-males.

Does abandonment fit in there?

I fucking hope so.

Because this hurts.

Someone told me crying is good for you.

Fuck you.

i am attracted only to those people and situations that support and nourish me


  1. Hi Andrea',

    I just sent you a comment on here, but apparently it was to long. I'll send it to you via Facebook.
    Bye for now,

  2. This breaks my heart. My mama and I are SO close; I can't imagine my life without her.

    It makes me so angry to hear that you don't have that luxury, and for such a STUPID reason. :(

    1. tricia, when people cry that their mom or dad has died, i find it odd. i'm so disconnected from her that i can't even understand the feeling of loss.

      only time i've cried over death is over my dog or cat.

      that's so sad to me

  3. Wow, as a tried and true mama's boy, I can't ever imagine being ostracized from my mom over a man she has chosen. Now with that said, then man she has chosen for the last 35+ years, my father...well I would be glad to be rid completely of him. But that is a whole other can of worms. Anywho, I think the closest I can come to the feelings you express here is in how my sisters and I have interacted over the years. When the eldest was still alive, she was the golden "shits perfection" child, and no one could compare to her. And then when she died, that role was delegated to the next eldest....and as the youngest myself, I never was ever seen as even worthy of an insult, let alone a compliment. So when i would see my folks, beaming down on both of my sisters, all I ever wanted was MY OWN moment of radiance where I too "shat perfection". So, I guess in my own way I get it (or at least through my fucked up behr logic I think I do). Anywho, I totally lost my train of thought I am gonna improv it. Crying may be good for you, but the reasons you cry aren' I am with you on the "fuck you" part of that. WIsh I had some really fucking sage advice or some woo-woo shit I could say to absolve some of the hurt, but I don't. :( And realistically, would it even help. All I can say is that I get it, and am in the same river if not exactly in the same boat.


    1. behr, sounds like you do get it.

      personally, i don't fucking get it. some of my family members have been such mean people.

      i just don't get it.

      i never will.


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