Wednesday, April 11, 2012

You got shit? We all got shit.

I tend to be normal and dwell on things that really don't matter in the big scheme of life.

I've received so much love from others who either a) have had similar experiences, b) could never in a million years imagine having a mother who would choose a man over her child, or c) don't have parents either.

I also got to thinking about the fact that Papi and I are in a similar situation, only different.

My love lost his mother at the teeny, tiny age of 10.

Papi never got to grow up with his mom, however, she was a loving one while she was here.

Only problem was, there was no dad in the picture.

I won't go into their details, but mi esposo's dad is only starting to be a part of Papi's life in the past couple of years.

I tried that with my sperm donor too, but it just wasn't the relationship I had hoped for.

I needed a father, and I can't get that from my sperm donor.

Papi wants a dad, but who knows if that relationship will ever come to fruition.  It will take both of them to get it down.

Then there's my mom, who really doesn't have a maternal bone in her cancer free body.

But damn is she a good cook!!!

Anyway, we're both a bit in the same boat.

We managed without, and we are who we are because of it.

I don't think that it's bad that I became such a strong person because of it.

Or so I'm told.

Sometimes, I just feel so weak and debilitated from my emotions around the lack of parental guidance in my life.

However, I have surrogates.

I have my wonderful friends, some groovy aunts, a lovely baby sister, a couple of cool cousins and my family I'm now married into.

One of my sweet cousins lost both of her parents.  She had a rough go.  She was a miracle baby!  She had to fight from the moment she left the womb!

I also have an incredibly strong, amazing friend who's mother committed suicide when she was a child.

She was the one who witnessed it.


And she's one of the strongest women I know.  She also lost one of her children not too long ago.

Even still, she smiles the most gorgeous smile every time I see her.

She still carries on with her beautiful life, and life is being good to her in the current moment.

Anyway, my point is, we all have shit.  Just some of us more than others.

It's all about how we look at it, what we learn from it and how we grow from it.

I am so sure, that if I continue on my path of positive thinking and gratitude every day that I will work this through in counselling, amongst my other 'issues' I have to deal with.

If I dwell on the fact that I've never had a mom or dad to be close to, I'll be putting blinders on and the tunnel will become quite suffocating.

There is so much love to be had.

It doesn't have to come from the people I was born to.

It comes from those who choose to be a part of my chosen family, and the people in my family who choose to love me.

I have all of them.

These are the ones I will focus on today, one minute at a time, one thought at a time.

I am loved.

life consists of what a person is thinking about all day
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson


  1. Don't forget as well as being loved you're also pretty cool :)

    1. kiki thank you for sweetness ... always xoxo

  2. I like your Emerson quote, mainly because it's true. You're also right about it not having to come from the people you were born to. I've come to like the idea that we are all one. If that's the case, we are ALL soulmates and thus family. The biological space ship that carries our spirit could've been birthed by anyone, it doesn't matter. We're all each others parents, brothers, sisters and what not. Your parents are whomever and wherever you see them in.

    1. rafa, that quote was given to me today from my gratitude buddy. i worked on it all day long and you know what, it was a great day. it was a great day, because i decided it would be.

      i like that you consider us all connected. you are a friend, even though we've never met in person ... yet!!

  3. My G'pa raised me i never needed a dad baby :->

    1. sweety, your g'pa was your dad ... you didn't NEED a dad ... but from our conversations, it sounds like you WANTed to know your pop as an adult ... that's all.


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