Hide and Go Seek

I don't really get it.

I've been an extrovert all my life.  I've had enormous drive to get out and see people, who in turn, get to see me.

But now?

The simplest gathering of people makes my stomach turn.  I shake trying to put make-up on for the venture.  I make every excuse there is as to why I can't leave the house and be with the gathering.

What the fuck is happening here?

and what have you done with andréa?

It started 5 months ago, with the feeling of being alone in this journey of the male transformation, but now I have my Trust List.  I'm not alone.  However, every time I have to sit with people outside of that list, it's exactly how I feel.

The Trust List were there when I fell.  They told me everything is going to be all right.  They coddled my fears, tears and pain.  They pushed me to speak and get it out when they noticed I had fallen into the Pit of Doom.

None of these people did that, and their chatter really is just noise above the din. 

Oh, but I went.  I acted the part.  I pretended everything is just fine.

here! focus on my new shiny braces. it's a great conversation piece along with the baby food.

Amongst the laughter and blathering emerged one soul whom I never would have expected ...

those damn expectations ...

... to understand.  She knew what it meant when I said I have to go to Florida with Papi.

She looked straight in my eyes and exposed the knowing of my agony.  "I know.  I know how hard this is.  Oh, sweety," and proceeded to hold my heart up while the rest of the room carried on with their glee.

I realized at that point that I've been doing a classic Andréa move; just ignore it and it will go away.  Just pretend everything is fine.

I've had to use this technique since I was a tiny child.

I'm so good at ignoring mess, ignoring noise, ignoring people.

I'm a pro.

But this one soul didn't let me get away with it.  She adamantly made me feel the burn.

When I was ready to leave, she told me, "I once loved someone who went through the change.  I couldn't stay with them.  I want you to know that it doesn't mean you don't love that person.  I want you to know that you're not a bad person for feeling what you're feeling."

"I think this is the hardest part, knowing who I can trust with 'this' pain."

"Oh, sister I know that oh too well.  I may not have the right answers for you, because I wanted to stay in that relationship so badly, and I tried so hard, but I just couldn't do it.  I don't know if I'll have the right things to say, but I do know that I understand exactly what you're going through and I'm here to listen and bounce things off of."

Another one.

Added to the Trust List.

Another soul that has shocked me with the surprise that they've been there.

Where the hell are all these people?!

Why aren't they forefront in this world so I don't have to feel so alone and terrified?

Come out, come out wherever you are ...