Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Hide and Go Seek

I don't really get it.

I've been an extrovert all my life.  I've had enormous drive to get out and see people, who in turn, get to see me.

But now?

The simplest gathering of people makes my stomach turn.  I shake trying to put make-up on for the venture.  I make every excuse there is as to why I can't leave the house and be with the gathering.

What the fuck is happening here?

and what have you done with andréa?

It started 5 months ago, with the feeling of being alone in this journey of the male transformation, but now I have my Trust List.  I'm not alone.  However, every time I have to sit with people outside of that list, it's exactly how I feel.

The Trust List were there when I fell.  They told me everything is going to be all right.  They coddled my fears, tears and pain.  They pushed me to speak and get it out when they noticed I had fallen into the Pit of Doom.

None of these people did that, and their chatter really is just noise above the din. 

Oh, but I went.  I acted the part.  I pretended everything is just fine.

here! focus on my new shiny braces. it's a great conversation piece along with the baby food.

Amongst the laughter and blathering emerged one soul whom I never would have expected ...

those damn expectations ...

... to understand.  She knew what it meant when I said I have to go to Florida with Papi.

She looked straight in my eyes and exposed the knowing of my agony.  "I know.  I know how hard this is.  Oh, sweety," and proceeded to hold my heart up while the rest of the room carried on with their glee.

I realized at that point that I've been doing a classic Andréa move; just ignore it and it will go away.  Just pretend everything is fine.

I've had to use this technique since I was a tiny child.

I'm so good at ignoring mess, ignoring noise, ignoring people.

I'm a pro.

But this one soul didn't let me get away with it.  She adamantly made me feel the burn.

When I was ready to leave, she told me, "I once loved someone who went through the change.  I couldn't stay with them.  I want you to know that it doesn't mean you don't love that person.  I want you to know that you're not a bad person for feeling what you're feeling."

"I think this is the hardest part, knowing who I can trust with 'this' pain."

"Oh, sister I know that oh too well.  I may not have the right answers for you, because I wanted to stay in that relationship so badly, and I tried so hard, but I just couldn't do it.  I don't know if I'll have the right things to say, but I do know that I understand exactly what you're going through and I'm here to listen and bounce things off of."

Another one.

Added to the Trust List.

Another soul that has shocked me with the surprise that they've been there.

Where the hell are all these people?!

Why aren't they forefront in this world so I don't have to feel so alone and terrified?

Come out, come out wherever you are ...


  1. i dig ur blog 'coz of the unique issues u deal with. I like learning points of view that i would never be privy to otherwise. That being said i'm so sorry I have nothing to contribute to you!

  2. rafa, thank you. and you know what? just by leaving a comment, you contribute. you allow me to feel supported ... so don't apologize, know that you make me better by being here

  3. I feel your pain. No I don't relate, and I'm certain I couldn't handle holding up everything you are, but I certainly love that you trust your readers enough to share this.

  4. sandra, i never thought i'd ever 'handle' anything like this ... it's obviously true that we're not given anything we can't handle.

    that being said, am i really 'handling' it? i don't know ... one breath at a time

  5. I would have to agree with the comment above. We keep being told that we aren't going to be given anything we can't handle, but the question always remains, am I really handling it? Maybe there's more to this...

    I've always been an introvert, but you wouldn't know that to meet me. You know the saying "fake it until you make it?" Well, I've been faking it my whole life and I still haven't made it yet.

  6. +following for being very well written!

    It sounds like you have alot of deep stuff going on right now :( I hope you have a fantastic day! :)

    You should read about Mobys Latest Purchase if you have some free time. I am a very dedicated follower! :)

  7. I think that there are probably more people then you realise from who you could get support if they just knew that you needed it Andrea.

    Seems to me you've kept so much of this to yourself in the real world (because you been in some sort of denial?) that quite possibly people haven't realised you need them ?

    I get the impression that you put on a brave face - and if so people no doubt think you're coping.

    If you want to let people in you gotta let your guard down.
    Not easy I know.

  8. @heckle, i'm also very good at faking it ... when will i make it?

    @moby, welcome, and thank you

    @dirty, denial ... another great technique, the brave face is definitely in place. i'm not sure i've ever learned how to let my guard down :(

  9. A: I have a major character flaw. A person closest to my heart told me in my face a few years back. He said, "Much as you want people to see how strong you are, it's not going to work this time. What is so wrong with asking for help and support when you need it?"
    I have always been the person who got things in shape and order, when things were misshapen and bent. I sorted things out. I helped people cope. But when I am down at the pits, not a soul would know how hard it is because I can't let the people who expect me to be strong to see that I need help. I ended up feeling so unworthy of anything. I had to learn to ask for help. I am afraid then, that if I asked, people might think less of me since I have always been strong for everyone. I was scared to tell people that I was scared. And that there were things I needed to deal with. I realized I ended up punishing myself for something that I could have just easily dealt with by telling other people, this time, I need help, so I can't help you now. My fear was baseless because people I care and I know extended everything to help me cope. The problem was me. I never asked.
    Don't be so tough on yourself. What you are going through is not easy. There's nothing wrong with letting people see that you are having a tough time. It makes you tougher after you have learned to be comfortable in accepting and showing others when you are most weak. I am still learning but I hope I have shared something that can help you with all this.

  10. my dear, you have helped. every day you help.

    i believe i am afraid to let people see my pain. some of it stems from my mother telling me, 'you have nothing to cry about' or other people getting tired of my chemical imbalance and seeing me crying all the time.

    i don't like people to see my weakness. i'm afraid i will yet again be abandoned.

    i love you xo

  11. We, your cyber friends, are not going to abandon you - ever.

  12. you're proving this to be truth my friend

    i absolutely adore you xoxo


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