Who loves you baby?

Ok.

So I've calmed down a bit.

Papi doesn't like me helping with the changing of dressings, because of my panic attacks, "It's just a little easier without you **emulate sound here** all over the place."

I just try so hard to help and be of support to my love.

However, right now maybe I need to be of support to myself?

You know when things are just so brutal that you can't even take care of yourself?  That's where I am right now.

I managed to get the tattoo infection under control, then just ignored it.

Seriously.

Haven't done anything to help it heal for 2 days.

This is not like me.

I am usually an avid brace cleaner.  I like these like metal rods with magic teeth straightening powers to be treated with as much care as possible.

Last night I didn't even bother brushing my teeth.

At least I'm eating.  For me, that's the biggest one.  If I don't eat, the world suffers.

Truly.

Everyone around me will feel the wrath of Andréa if I don't eat.

So, I supposed you could say I'm doing that for everyone else as well.

Somewhere in there, I have to start looking at me.

It's a little tough though, because I have a tranny, 5 animals and a 95 year old to take care of first.  Not to mention 11 hour shifts to get through on top of it.

Oh, and don't forget practising for the CD Release on Friday night.

Then there's father's day coming up.  I'm in a tizzy because of that too.  The obligation of calling that person who has never cared for me from the age of 10 upward.

Perhaps that's who I learned this from.

That I don't really matter.

If my own father doesn't care, then maybe I'm not worth it.

thanx dad.

It sucks having a deadbeat dad, but it also sucks being someone who has a heart.  I actually care about him and feel sorry for him that he ruined his life.

I don't like the feeling of 'obligation' to this person, but nobody else is going to care for him, because he hasn't cared for anyone but himself his whole life.

Maybe he should call ME on father's day.

He could say to me, "Happy father's day, and I'm sorry I was never there and I love you."

dream on ...

That's a really nice fantasy.

My birthday is the day before father's day.

I doubt I'll even get a phone call.

think about something else now ...

So, I suppose now that I've identified what it is I'm doing to myself I have to change it.

No point in just looking at it.

Ok.

So now I'm going to go do something for myself.

silence ...

I don't even know where to begin.

update:
just threw my back out.  guess i get that 'slow down' day after all