I think if the wind changes I get anxiety.
I'm pretty sure I'm starting to see what they've told me since I was a kid.
I remember my aunt and I having a conversation about hippies. I was saying how I liked the hippy mentality that their generation got to grow up with. "If I was growing up in that time I think I'd be a hippy too."
My aunt laughed, "You're too stressed out to be a hippy."
I was about 12.
And stressed out.
It's a miracle that I haven't given myself an ulcer.
Today's freak out?
My gig on Friday.
Papi's male transformation, 5 foot clitoris and top surgery are all old news.
I'm shaking about the show. The CD Release party is going to be fun I'm sure, but while I'm hobbling around like an 80 year old because of my recent back spasm flair up, I'm not feeling like a rockstar.
It hurts just to sit and play my bass.
I know that once I'm up on the stage, the adrenaline will kick in and pain will be so far from my mind that I'll think I've been healed!!!
That is, of course, up until the ado is done with.
I'll then go back to using the handicap sign for parking the car at the store until my fucking back tells me it's ok to act my age again.
Don't get me wrong. My anxiety about Papi's male transformation is not over with.
Oh no, don't be ridiculous.
Last night my love informed me that one of the nipples is not doing too well and it hurts. At that point, I had visions of a half nippled flat chest.
Worst case scenario.
i'm such a spaz!!!
Regardless of how I feel angst over The Great Breast Disappearance, I still want the best for my love. I still want mi esposo to heal and feel confidence in Papi's body.
There is nothing worse than feeling like you're not right.
I get it practically every time I look in the mirror.
will i ever get the perfection i strive for?
My love had a dream the other night that I was fondling those nipples and one of them fell off.
I laughed so hard at the make believe story, then freaked out because it could happen!!!
Papi was told by Dr. Scissorhands that during the healing my love can't face the water from the shower because the nipples could come off!
Can you imagine being in the shower and watching one of them drop to the tub floor then whirl around in the drain as you scramble to grab it, but you can't because your hands are all soaped up and the nipple is slippery so you watch it slide down the drain with the bubbles it's surrounded in?!?!?
Worst case scenario.
complete with the impact of a run on sentence and no breathing ...
Anyway, back to the anxiety du jour.
I'm really really really nervous.
It's like it was when I first started performing. I was so nervous for every show that I'd almost be sick. Well, I was sick out the back end, but I'm sure you didn't need those details.
After years of performing, I got to the point that it was a small flutter in my stomach and then I would hop on that stage and go to town like I never had an adverse nerve in my life.
Back to square one.
I don't recommend anyone being off performing for a few years. Don't do it.