Thursday, June 23, 2011


I may have found the first way to joke about Papi's top surgery.

I wanted my love to change the channel last night, but mi esposo was too busy with the tippity-tappity of a Facebook chat to respond. 

oh, no no no. you know better than that. i will not be ignored.

"Change the fucking channel or I'll poke you in the ribs."  I made a gesture that was at least 10 inches away from my love, but it worked.

"Ok!  Ok!  Just gimme a sec!  Don't come any closer!"

I crept a little closer, "I'm coming in for the kill," I said with my best Hannibal Lecter impersonation.

The channel was changed.

There was no need for me to jab an area that has left Papi without the ability to raise arms any higher than the elbow.


I have power!

I think Papi and I both know that I would never intentionally cause any pain to mi esposo, but damn, this could be fun.

do my bidding.

After the channel was changed, and the remote handed over to me, Papi headed for the shower.  Yet mi esposo was again terrified to get in, for fear of nipples sliding down the drain.

I'm pretty sure we're past that point, but Papi hasn't really let me see them since I last saw them and gave the cringe face.

"Don't make that face!  You make me feel ugly!"

My love, it is not you that I'm cringing at.

It's the thought of stitches all around my very own nipple.  The look of the raw, red, angry looking areola that I just know must be painful.

That's what the cringe is for.

It's also for the new scars that inhabit the majority of my love's ribs.  Hell, it even took out a small portion of the sugar skull tattoo on Papi's right side.

It is not my love who I cringe at.

It is the thought of the pain.

It is the thought of how it must obviously hurt to raise those arms, because that would inevitably pull on those bitter red lines that look so precarious, they could actually just split apart with the simplest of reaches.

like changing the channel?

The tape that holds the last portion of those ruby lines is now a darkened brown.  The evidence of sacred blood escaping Papi's body.


This is what the cringe is about:
How about you?

Does it send shivers through your stomach thinking of how it would hurt, pull, ache?

did you cringe?

It's so difficult to think of my love going through this to feel better within a body that I found already perfect.

Anyway, the point is, I am getting used to The Great Breast Disappearance.

I must be, because I found a way to torment the Tranny Terrorist, and as long as I can do that, I know I'm healing.

My next mission is dealing with the man hair that is squatting on Papi's legs.  Great black furry bristles.

"Touch them!  They are smooth and silky!"

No, Papi, I don't see the softness of female hair.

I see evidence of an F-M changing into the person I didn't marry.

hmmmm ... shave it or I'll poke you in the ribs!

Oh wait, it was me who said it would look ridiculous for a male to have shaved legs right?

Even I have troubles keeping up with my 'rules'.


  1. Just caught up on some reading. Seen your last three posts, and just from that I can read such a difference in your state of mind Andrea. I think the workshop will be so good for you, not because you need it, but because I think you might see someone who is where you were 7 months ago and then YOU will really see how far you've come.

    We all do already :)
    And yeah, cringe indeed.
    And you wrote on my facebook no more nipple related nightmares ?? Hmmm. lol.

  2. Hello! My first visit, will visit you again. Seriously, I thoroughly enjoyed your posts. Congratulations for your work. If you wish to follow back that would be great I'm at
    Thanks for sharing!

  3. ah dirty ... i hope this doesn't stir up more nightmares lol!!!

    and yes, i need to be there for the others. thank you for pointing out my growth xoxo

    @nelson, welcome! and thank you so very much for your sweet words. i look forward to another hello again ... will check out your work :)

  4. Thank you for stopping by! I really do appreciate your taking the time to leave a comment...I read each and everyone of them. I hope your day is a good one and that you will come back again soon. Take care. Nelson Souzza :)

  5. i read every one of my comments as well mi amigo :)

  6. OK the first word that comes to mind is "ouch"!!! I am glad to see you in better spirits too! :)

  7. right eh twister?!? cringe indeed!

  8. Wow. The visceral reaction I had to your words was very real... then the perfectly-placed picture coming in to reiterate what I had just envisioned... I have never had sprawling wounds... but I have had smaller wounds from injury that could reopen if stretched and pulled. The parallels drawn between the physical pain of being literally torn open and the emotional wrenching you've experienced is ever-present. You've no doubt captured something in this post and it tells me (if I may be so bold) that you may be on the precipice of a new phase in your journey... brilliant, A, for real... I'm smiling for you right now...

  9. thank you for your words scoop, and thank you for smiling with me xo

  10. I more than cringed. I ached.
    Looks awfully painful.
    You both are mighty strong for this!

  11. i think i always forget that my surgery was different. i was wondering what was so wrong. what was so hard to look at. then i saw the picture. and now i remember. i was/am so so lucky! i was small, and had keyhole surgery. so the only scars i have are around my nipples, which are the same nipples i had before, just resized. and even then, they are hardly noticeable. i hope E is doing ok. that really does look painful!

  12. @psycho, so you would cringe too right?!?! not because of the F-M thing but the ouch-o-rama!!

    @oc, E is really doing a lot better, but i still have to drain E's pasta ... and carry in the groceries ... apparently E's ok to go driving to seattle ... i hear an 'i told you so' coming on

  13. Seriously, I have no idea what to say. You're going through some serious life altarations and still fighting. amazing. The fact is that so much is said about the supposed "sanctity of marriage" and what it all means. You are actually honoring your vows better than ANYONE! if that isn't sanctity, IDk what is!

  14. rafa, i'm stubborn ... gimme something to fight and i will until i can't any longer.

    yeah ... i'm living with honoring my vows ... and the religious zealots say i'm a big fat sin that doesn't deserve tolerance and love

  15. Damn. I cringed, for sure. My boobs hurt looking at that! Owowowowowow.

  16. Ouch! Painful just to look at. Andrea how far you have come.

  17. sometimes jamie, it's hard to believe that i have come THIS far in 7 months ... makes for a better view of the end result now eh?

    maybe, just maybe, i'll get through this now. i'm sure it won't be all uphill ... but i can see some strength now


your comments make this world feel smaller ... and you feel closer