Sunday, June 5, 2011

Hello new day ...

You know when you wake yourself up snoring?  It's always that quick honk and then you're thrown into consciousness.

I get to watch Papi do this frequently.  It's pretty funny.

I love the shocked look on my love's face and that gaze of, "What the fuck just happened here!?!?!?"

My love is getting better.  More coherent.  More energetic.

Papi's eyes are focusing better now that mi esposo's blood is getting used to the pills that are being administered.

another snort

This is good for both of us.  My love feels stronger and I get to have moments of support.

I was a real mess yesterday.  I think that was the worst of it.  Either that or it will just come in waves.

Yesterday I feared that the demons were pulling me into the Pit of Doom for an extended holiday.  I had visions of crying for 6 weeks like I did when Papi first dropped the male transformation bomb on me.

However, today is a new day.  I'll look for some strength today.  I'll need to pull it out of the nooks that it's hiding in.

It's the only way to combat the demons with their sharp talons around my heart.

I was able to chat on Facebook with a couple of Trust List friends, and one who had some reminders for me.  One of them is that I'm not in a familiar environment and that it could be adding to the anxiety.

I think we all know how well I adapt to change.

I'm like a fucking cat.  But unlike The Bastard Prince, I'm not about to go pee on the bed to show my disdain.

no ... i'll just cry perpetually ... it's way more classy

I'm just grateful Papi had enough zip so that we both were able to have emotional support.  We both got to talk about our side of the pain.

My love is also having adverse feelings, because most of the people Papi knows has a wife/partner/lover who is a Rah-Rah-Tranny and is thrilled to have their person go through with this.

I just can't understand the way these people think, because I'm so far on the other side of the pendulum.

Papi wishes I could be that person, so that my love would feel excitement and joy in the room.  I can imagine how it feels to be living in a perpetual funeral, because I've been living in it myself since November.

i'm so sorry my love ... i'm just so fucking sorry

None-the-less, we had a good hour of processing before my love started to drift off to Never Never Land in a Vicodin haze.

snort ...

Between my chats online and my chat with Papi, I woke up feeling a tiny bit less teary eyed.  I can still feel the pain in my chest as it inches it's way to my eyes to expose itself to the world.  I'm holding it back as much as possible.

The last thing I need is to fall into another depression.

I've got too much to work on with all the shows coming up to be fucking around in the Pit of Doom.

Hello day.

Let's see if I can make it through today's grieving without tears.

We all know crying makes you look fat and ugly.

The video of this experience is definitely proof of this.

Oh gawd.  Do I really want to show the world how bad I can look?


  1. Isn't that also one of the reasons for making the video - so that maybe someone who feels like you do about this will realise that they are not the only one ?
    And yeah I think you're gonna feel better when you get least then you can begin the 'punishment by health food' campaign. lol.
    Onwards and Upwards xxx

  2. i tried the health food regime with papi.

    we left the store today with pudding, chewy granola-ish bars and pop


    i tried lol!

    i will feel much better being home and being near my Trust List

  3. i know you think that you are so far removed from the "Ra Ra" tranny lovers, but darling, you are "Ra Ra" in your own way. you love E so damn much! and you are in this for the long haul. and THAT is worth so much! you don't understand what's going on, you don't understand why it's going on, but you are STILL there, and that is love. seriously. you two are so lucky to have each other. seriously.

  4. oc, i think i'm a closet Ra Ra.

    i seem to fall in love with trans people.

    i leave when they decide to transition.

    except this one.

    i'm a closet Ra Ra.


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