Heal.

So, my drummer says to me, "You're just someone who attracts chaos," he added, "the most peace I've ever seen you in is when you got off eating wheat."

Yes.

I have food allergies, and wheat definitely makes me a bit of a coo-coo for coco puffs.  But seriously?  That's the most peace he's seen me in?  That was just the beginning of being able to think clearly.

In the 16 years that I've known him, this is what he remembers as my life changing experience?

mr., you don't remember how much better it got when i got clean 'n sober?!

I really thought that I had a much more peaceful life now.  It's really all I strive for is no chaos, drama, pain, or whatever else comes up.

I honestly thought when I married Papi that we'd just stroll down that path to happily ever after.

oh the fairy tales we conjure ...

Well, I suppose that path is a little bit more uneven and has a few boulders to crawl over.

Yet still, we're doing it together.

Another thing my drummer said to me was, "You just have to take responsibility for your chaos.  Accept it as is.  It's just what it is for you.  That's your life."

"But I don't want the chaos.  I keep trying to get away from it and have a calm life."

"Somewhere in there you're used to it and you want the familiarity."

it's that fucking teenager!!!!  it's her!!!  i know it!!!

I guess I can look back on my life and see that it truly is like a cloud that follows me.  It just hangs over my head and there's not much I can do to shake it.

At least now I can laugh at myself.

That is of course, once I get past the turmoil that is the current day pain.

Yup.

I surely do look back and I say to myself, "What the fuck was that all about?!?!?"

Does that mean I really want all the ridiculous life experiences?

I don't know.  Maybe it will make for a good book.  I will be turning this current journey into a book.  Maybe I need to make one for my whole life?  It certainly would be an interesting read.

to all you people who wish your life was a little more exciting ... no you don't.  enjoy your calm.

Or maybe I just need my own reality show.  Maybe I need to turn that documentary I'm making into a pitch for some hairbrained station like Fox or MTV.

ok ... seriously ... why the hell is mtv even ASSOCIATED with music anymore?!?!?

All I know is, the adult it me truly does not want this hurt.

Last night my stomach twisted and turned in anticipation of my love coming home and seeing the wreckage.

I'm shaking and it's not the coffee.

The person in me who loves Papi like there was no tomorrow wants to be the one to heal my love's wounds.

I want to change the dressings and help mi esposo heal.  I want to clean the incision so that I feel like I'm responsible for alleviating this disaster.

I want to mend my love.

Maybe in turn, I will find some restoration for myself?

Could be.

You really do have to give love away to receive it.

And that fucking teenager is just going to have to deal with it.

I really wish she'd just shut the fuck up.

Gawd she's annoying.