Wednesday, June 22, 2011

I love ya, tomorrow ...

It's always better 'tomorrow'.

I'm feeling a lot more 'human' today, vs. perfect.

A few of my blogger friends reminded me that I am hard on myself, and that it's important to remember I'm human.

I'm pretty sure that my recent back injury flare up is responsible for the weakness that let the demons in to play.

I had a dream last night that the G'ma left the house and Papi and I were free to paaaaaar-tayyyy!

wooooohoooooo!!!! **fist pumps the air**

I think that's what the demons do.  When my brain can only handle so much pain, they come on in like rats searching for a meal, and I am the morsel they have a food fight with.

None-the-less, I am feeling much better emotionally today.

time to jump the next hurdle?

Papi asked me if I want to go to something called Gender Odyssey.  They have closed workshops for the spaz of a spouse/partner/lover who just can't find 'happiness' during a gender change, yet is secretly a Tranny Lover.

yeah ... that's me all right

Everyone in this particular workshop must be the gender they were born with.

So, while Papi will be out flashing The Great Breast Disappearance with all the other F-Ms, and everyone is patting each other on the back, "Way to go bro!" I'll be wallowing and sobbing with all the others who have healing to do.

I hope they're ready for me.  Oh, I'll be there in full force.  I'll more than likely be the loudest one there, but if there's one who is as frantic as I, then I will have found a new BFF.

I will also gather more people for the Trust List.

I really have a great Trust List going now.  It's actually to the point where I was confident enough this week to tell people on Facebook just what it is I've been going through for 7 months.

I posted a note inviting people to come here and ride the roller coaster.

It is mostly to reach out to people who are in the same place as I.

7 months ago, I was completely alone searching for someone, anyone who had been there.  I received closed doors and it caused me to shut down emotionally.

and perhaps burn a few bridges ...

I'm truly hoping that there is someone out there who is in need of support, and I want to be the one to give it to them.

unlike the 'support' line i called who didn't call me back for a month

However, something else happened.  Not so close friends started reading, and now it's like I've come out of the closet all over again.

hello ... i'm andréa ... and i'm a tranny lover

Here is where I realized that breaking the silence has done more for me than the aching soul I was reaching out to:

Now I don't have this green ogre of a secret to hide.

Now I can speak freely and actually tell people what the hell has been going on with me for 7 months.

and why i've been such a maniac

Now I have support in the most unlikely places.

Now I can breathe.

now i can weed out those who are beyond trans-political people who will hate me for feeling this pain, the religious zealots who already freak out about me being a lesbian, and transphobic who will delete me off facebook

The only reason I was able to do this was because of my Trust List.

I have the feeling my Trust List just grew faster than the heart of The Grinch.

10 comments:

  1. Wow, that is brave. Good for you. What a huge step. Awesome<3

    ReplyDelete
  2. it really is big eh jamie? i'm just surprised at all the people who have gone through this and won't speak about it for fear of what other people will say.

    i could care less what people say now that i have support :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. And that speaks of how far you have come. I can only imagine how many people your story will help others. Brilliant!

    ReplyDelete
  4. i would never have though 7 months ago that i could even peep out the information ... hell ... i didn't speak out loud to anyone for 3 weeks!

    ReplyDelete
  5. i'll see your fist bump and raise you a bro hug

    ReplyDelete
  6. I've done Gender Odyssey. It was like nothing I've ever done. I've not done it since though I keep telling myself I will. And I sat in that SOFA circle... ... that was a time ago... trust me, you'll find that there are a LOT of loud folks present. Surprisingly so.

    I'mma lovin' ya.

    !Kona

    ReplyDelete
  7. oh kona, thank you so much. that makes me feel like i won't be so scared of being outspoken.

    :)

    lovin' you oodles
    a
    xo

    ReplyDelete

your comments make this world feel smaller ... and you feel closer